When I walked into bible study tonight with G, I knew the instant I stepped inside that the homeowner did not have his air-conditioning running. I knew that I should leave. Remember what happened at that church near B's house? I should have left. I did not.

I was jealous for Pastor D's teaching. I was worried about G's response should I tell her I needed to go. I was afraid to ask the homeowner to turn on his air-conditioning. Once again--even after I swore I would not put myself in that situation again--I sat in the heat growing weaker and weaker, becoming ill when I could have avoided the situation.

We are studying I Timothy, II Timothy, and Titus. The topic is my suggestion. I am reveling in the opportunity to study the overall picture and delve into specifics. We have already discussed history and politics and faith and the relationships among the men and Paul. I did not want to leave, even as I knew the heat was affecting me rather adversely.

In a vain attempt to slow my , I started fanning myself. At that point, I was not aware another woman was doing the same and it was difficult to follow Pastor D. Shortly thereafter, the homeowner asked if we were hot. I nodded my head, the other woman agreed, and he got up to turn on the air-conditioning. While the room began to cool rather quickly, it was too late for me.

When I become overwhelmed by heat, it as if I am a vehicle running out of gas. I stop working. My vision was so blurry, it was difficult to read that which we were studying. I grew so weak, I want to lay down on the floor before I fell down. It was difficult to think clearly. I battle dizziness. Inside, I feel as if I am struggling to grip a bundle of slick fibers, knowing if I fail I will faint.

I made it through bible study, but I could not just get up from the chair. Pastor D and G talked for a while, so I remained in the chair, frankly dreading the moment I would need to ask for help because there was no way I was simply walking out of there. When the time came, I felt all the more stupid because I should have left. I should have either left or asked for air-conditioning immediately. I should have...but I did not. I did not because I was afraid of G's reaction, of drawing too much attention to myself when we were there to study and to worship, of being too much of a problem, of reaching the limit to Pastor D's incredible patience and care of this not-even-a-member-of-his-congregation-who-takes-up-too-much-of-his-time-and-attention. Most of the time, I feel so incredibly alone with this disease. I was terrified I would loose the few connections I have locally, especially given that I rarely see G ever since I was so ill last year.

Pastor D got me to the car, asking questions all along. I answered them. I even started chatting a mile a minute to distract myself from the moment, but I am not sure what I said. I do not remember getting from the table in the basement to G's car. I know G stayed with me a while once we got home, but again I am not sure what was said. I fell asleep, still sitting up on the couch, immediately after she left.

So, I made an incredibly poor decision and ended up endangering myself. My plan to pack for tomorrow's trip was shot. I am no longer sure that I will be able to leave tomorrow evening, even though I do not want to miss any time with B and need the extra time to rest after traveling since Saturday we will be traveling to another state for the concert. I have to somehow get myself upstairs. I have to somehow work tomorrow. I have to...I have to...

Why could I not have been brave and just done what I needed to do to remain safe?