The one benefit of doing the organization task on Friday, despite the end result, was that I discovered the prescription to go see an neurological ophthalmologist. At the time when I was given it, the specialist was not on my plan and I was not working, so I could not feasibly have gone to the consult. I had lost the prescription. And, of course, I could not remember the name of the specialist.

Well, as you may have guessed by now, inside one of the warranties that I was organizing was the prescription.

Monday, I need to call and confirm that I can see him on my insurance plan and then make an appointment.

The specialist I saw last summer, stated that she believed that I have evidence of optic neuritis given that it hurts for me to move my eyes, light bothers them, and I have lost some color discernment. She also explained that the reason my vision is blurry is not my prescription, but that the signal between my optic nerve and my brain was not functioning properly.

I still remember the devastation I felt when after all that testing and measuring she wrote out a prescription for contact lens that was exactly what I currently was using. I burst into to tears, filled with confusion why it did not seem to matter that when the technician asked me "better one or better two" I responded neither or when I was asked to read letters on a line, I was able to guess them by shape, not by actually reading them clearly. I kept telling the technician I could not read them, that they were blurry and I could see three lines of text not one. Her only response was just guess, just guess, just guess.

My eyesight stinks. I need old-age-reading glasses to see close. It takes a moment or two from my eyes to adjust distance when I look at some thing near or farther than what I had been looking at previously. I need glasses/contacts to see far. And the latter just do not work all that well. I have started increasing the view size on the computer screen in programs that have that option and I have become used to having blurry eyesight all the. Or...rather...I have adjusted to the disability but I have not accepted the situation.

I constantly worry if there will be come a time when my eyesight will be too blurry to drive. If I am wearing my glasses, I have to take them off to eat because I become nauseous when I look down at my food and my eyes try to adjust to seeing it beneath the bottom of my glasses and then through my glasses and then beneath the bottom again. I have a headache much of the times because I constantly squint, whether I am wearing my glasses or contacts because I just cannot see clearly. I try to relax and embrace the blurriness, but my brain does not seem to want to be content with poor eyesight.

When I asked the specialist why I should see a neurological ophthalmologist if there was nothing that could be done to help me because my brain was behind the problem, she replied that first I should cross the bridge of getting an accurate diagnosis. Of course she is right about that. Of course. However, the only drugs associated with the condition, as near as I can tell, are steroids. And I will not take those. So, where does that leave me?

Still, I want to go, even if I have to do so using my out-of-network option where I would have to pay part of his fee. I would like an answer even if it is not the one I wish to hear.