All my spoons today...

I moved the two stonecrops that were not quite spaced properly.
I am glad I did.
I am knackered

With chronic illness, there is a popular theory to explain life with chronic illness:  The Spoon Theory.    I had heard of it before, but it is not language I have adopted or use readily.  Last night, I came upon the original article and read it through more carefully.  I do like how she explains the difference between having limited energy resources and not having to think about them.  To, she explains how getting ready is really broken down into a series of challenges for the chronically ill that takes far more energy than the healthy person.

In the video I posted yesterday, I smiled when the doctor mentioned washing hair.  Taking a shower is hard, especially with the effect warm/hot water can have on me, but raising my arms above my head long enough for a quick shampoo and cream rinse leaves me ever so exhausted.  That is why, now, I shower at night.  And, why, I shower far, far, far less than I care to admit.  Hygiene is still important to me even if I feel unhygienic much of the time.

It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons."
Reading this bit of the article was a real Come-to-Jesus moment for me.  I have just got to start planning more carefully how I use my resources.  Period.  Overdoing it is simply not worth whatever I might achieve.   But how?  How do I learn to do that when I am the only one here to get things done??   SIGH.

All I have done today and all I plan to do today was move the two stonecrop bushes.
I am glad I did.
I am knackered.