Friday, July 27, 2007

It has been a WILD, WILD week since I last posted.

W....Work...For one, on Monday I began my new job. Everyone there has been ever so kind, but that couldn't off set the fact that the health insurance plan is no where near what I thought, with co-pays that will more than double my monthly out-of-pocket medical expenses. I will no longer be able to see any of my doctors or even be able to keep my wonderful pharmacist at Target. I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I am not sure, yet, if I have managed to catch my breath. The bottom line is that barring some miracle, I just cannot afford to stay at this job. I will not be able to make even the minimum payment on my colossal credit card debt.

I....Identity...I have been struggling with these questions of who I really am chasing themselves around my mind. I am in a new job where for the first time I am responsible for growing a program. I am surrounded by people in the know, kind people, but people nonetheless who look at me sideways, with their thoughts painted clearly for all to say. She is naive. It won't work. It will be too tough. You'll understand when you are older. Older? I am 40. When will others stop seeing me as a young girl? I am a bit disheartened, knowing first that I cannot afford to stay here and second that I really believe in the need for foster care and would like to help them. I keep thinking about all the plans I had. All the dreams I dared have. My life, right now, resembles none of them. I am smart, work hard, and add value to my employers, yet I have never been paid near what I am worth. I have pictured myself with children my entire life, yet that door has almost surely closed. I write, yet I am not the writer I long to be. I am weak much of the time, tired all of the time, and feel as if I am such a poor witness for the One who has given me so much. Strange thoughts to be having when I have finally found peace with who I am, eh? I guess I am just wondering who that is.

L...Love...I have written about the ways T and B say "I Love You" to me. I had another with W. She bakes me strawberry bread; she collects the "d" quarters for my collection; she sends me MS information; and she overwhelms me with her generosity. Being loved is not something I take for granted, a marvelous reality I oft struggle to accept as true. God has blessed me profoundly by the Christian women in my life. T casts her unflinching glaze at me and speaks the blunt truth. B chastises me in her walk with Christ and the passion with which she lives every aspect of her life for Him. W shares wisdom and insight with unceasing patience for the questions I have.

D....Doctor....I saw my doctor of many years for the last time this morning (unless I want to pay out of pocket to see her). We had a most uncomfortable discussion about my arthritis. It is getting worse. Frankly, I am not sure if moving a tree, which involved digging holes for hours on end, was the straw that broke the camels back, but I am now having trouble rising from a sitting position. The stiffness in my hips is oh so familiar, and it takes quite a few steps before the pain resides to a manageable level. This is rather inconvenient as I sit and rise many times a day. She has, for more than two years now, asking me to consider getting a handicapped placard for my card. Between the asthma and arthritis, I either find myself getting short of breath or walking like an old lady sometimes. At those times, schlepping from the far end of a parking lot is hard. But I have eshewed most talk of blue plastic markers hanging from my window. Acquiescing to her advise would take me one step further from independence in my mind. Of course, fanning the eighteen prescriptions that she wrote me so that I could transfer them to the new "approved" pharmacy, I wondered if she might be right. When I climbed down from the examining table, I would have fallen had she not caught me. I accepted the form.

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