Monday, March 08, 2010

I wanted to return to Walther this evening, but I am too tired.  So, exhausted, in fact, that I cannot fall asleep.  My bad joints are aching, I am trembling, and my vision is quite blurry.

I long for a seat in the shower or a grab bar or both.  I long for such because I often fall in the tub.  I fall because I grow too hot, lacking the discipline to take tepid showers.  I fall because I am weak or tired.  But I also fall because I lose my footing on the soap scum encrusted bottom of the tub.  Gross, I know, but it is reality for one who stopped being able to scrub her bathtub a couple of years ago.

Tonight, I stood surefooted.  I suspect it was more so for having been cleaned three times now, after having been neglected for far, far too long.  [Standing with a sponge beneath your foot is a poor way of trying to clean a bathtub.]  I suspect that it needs more cleaning before getting to the very bottom of those layers left by soapy water.

Tonight, I stood surefooted because a woman I do not really know drove about an hour each way to come and labor in my home.

Being so very tired, even after my multi-nap Lord's Day, I almost called her to beg off having her here, for it would mean about 15 more minutes of sleep and I am not the kindest person to be around when I am so exhausted.  I am glad I did not, despite the less than warm greeting I cast her way when she arrived...for which I feel guilty.

Tonight, I stood surefooted because a woman I do not really know got down on her hands and knees and scrubbed my tub.

Can you fathom such a thought?  Who would do that?  Who?

Now, I have been fasting for a while now, but had to give that up this weekend with Z here.  Not eating with her was confusing for her.  While all things are permissible, it is not good, right, or salutary to cause another to stumble with that which is permissible to you.  Being currently mired on the other end of a stumbling block, I would not wish this on anyone.

I had thought to take it up again today, but my blood sugar plummeted this morning.  It is funny, if I fast for a while, I have no problems, but if I eat much (and I did have to keep up with the Jones), then even a short while without food is difficult. 

Tomorrow, I have a lunch meeting at work and so cannot take up the fast again until Wednesday.  Truly, while I have yet to find the direction I seek, I do find taking in only the Living Word to be helpful, a way to focus on the only thing that matters in a sea of trial and anguish.

Do you know what it is like to take a shower without a measure of fear?  Of course you do.  Until tonight, it had been a long, long time since I have done so without being truly afraid of hurting myself, without being tense the entire time I bathed.

Tonight, I stood surefooted, tears mingling with the water, amazed that the Creator of the universe would care for me so, would give me such a blessed gift as a clean tub, amazed that my Redeemer would show such mercy to such a wretched sinner, amazed that the Comforter would teach me of His love.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!

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