Oh, I sank to a new low today.  I literally screamed at a Verizon representative, an escalation supervisor, who told me the reason my Internet has been effectively down for a week is that I had not yet had a tech in my home.

Oh, but I had an appointment on Saturday.  I waited 12 hours for someone to come.  No one did.  I called 15 minutes before my 12-hour appointment window expired and, after being on hold for 55 minutes, learned the appointment had been changed from Saturday to Sunday, though no one called to tell me that.

The tech who came got the up and down stuff to stop, but his fix turned my DSL into dial-up.  I can upload huge files (send large emails), but I cannot receive them or view material on most websites.  When I called him 30 minutes after he left, once I discovered that nothing really worked, he said I had a bandwidth problem and to call this number that would put me in touch with someone who could fix the problem remotely.  No one at the number knew what he was talking about.

Central dispatch claims I never had a tech in my home.  I swear this man was here.  I have his business card.  He drove a Verizon truck.  I am not hallucinating.

So distraught was I on Sunday, I was granted the escalation status.  Yet, in two days, I have had seven escalation supervisors call me (all from the Philippines) to ask if I am still having problems...but not with any solution.  Each one has asked me to explain what is wrong with my service, beginning with my DSL number, name, address, email, alternate contact number, modem type, and operating system.

No one is willing to take a gander at the switch bank the tech replaced at the remote office to see if, perhaps, something went awry in that installation.  No one has even been interested in the speed tests that shows the low rate and the pings that show dropped and failed packets.  They just want my contact and connection information so they could then say they were looking into the problem for me.

When she told me late this afternoon that the grand solution was to have a tech in my home, I was in utter disbelief.  When she told me that she was only following up since the record showed someone from Central dispatch had already called and explained this need and set up an appointment for Friday, I just lost it.  A tech has already been here, claiming quite adamantly that neither he nor any other technician could do anything.  They don't do bandwidth.  And certainly no one had called me.  I lost it and screamed why were they doing this to me!

And I immediately hated myself.  I haven't screamed like that since I was little, little girl...at least not outside my nightmares.  I still have a sore throat.

I tried to ask her forgiveness.  She just wanted to stick to the script on her screen.  I called Bettina crying and left this rather distressing voice mail because my boss was in my basement putting her laundry in my washer and I somehow had to pull myself together.  I wish I knew what was normal.

I have lost count of how many blooming Verizon calls I have made/received, repeating the same information again and again.  I felt like dirt on Saturday, waiting for help that never came, learning that I was not even worth the common courtesy of a phone call to let me know the appointment had been changed.  Saturday/Sunday's appointment came after four others were set without my knowledge and then being accused of ignoring their efforts to repair my line.  They are driving me crazy.  But would you have screamed?  I wish I knew what was normal.  So crushed am I at what I did. 

Bettina, in response I believe, offered to play online Scrabble with me, and, I'm sure, let me win both games.  She also sent me more audio clips.  My dear friend has showered me with blessings in hymns and readings and now upped the ante with her children singing and reading to me.  In some ways, one of the best things about going to Pastor's church was learning about that digital recorder!

This day was so horrible.  The past four weeks have been very difficult.  But this day was filled with turning the other cheek again and again and again.  This day was filled with great trials and the bald truth from the mouth of a co-worker that my boss hates me.  She hates me and yet she has me do all these things for her and eat with her all the time.  She is, in fact, very angry that I have been fasting, though she does not understand why.  If I am fasting, then I am not going out to eat lunch and dinner with her.  I tried to hide it from her but she got suspicious when I kept having other things that conflicted with the next invitation to eat with her.

I do not count my worth in her eyes, but being hated, being found wanting, and having to pretend that all the barbs, all the attacks, all the slander does not matter is exhausting.  My co-worker is sickened by how I am treated.  I hate what I do to keep my job.

But God gave me this job.  He has not provided another.  I may be utterly wrong, but I think I am there, in part, to love my boss. I, who knows nothing of love, am to love her.

It makes no sense.

I have been praying the psalter, listening to the liturgy CD, fasting, and longing for direction.  None has come.

I screamed at someone.  I, the one who has perfected running away when I am distressed, screamed at someone.  I, who fall into silence when I am hurt, screamed at someone. 

I have been trying to focus on an answer I got to a liturgy/doctrine question, on Bettina's audio files and game playing, and on a response I received to a letter I wrote.  I have been trying to focus on the things that are true and right and of good repute.

I screamed at someone.

Despite the games, despite the smiles engendered by listening to Bettina's cherubs, despite the sweet, sweet Gospel I was given today from someone really too busy to do so, I am truly horrified at what I did.

I screamed.  What kind of person does that?

 
I am Yours.  Save me!