That ought to have been enough courage for one day, but I girded my loins again, left work on-time, and tried confession with Pastor E again, even daring to ask him not to skip the tracing-the-cross-on-the-forehead this time. [He normally has folk kneel at the rail, which I cannot do, so he found it awkward to stoop over me while vested, feeling it would be inappropriate. I didn't understand that answer, but skipping that bit last time was not on purpose!]
I received a bit of Gospel tonight, on Scripture I have always been taught as Law: Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. (Philippians 4:11)
Go and be content. If you are not content, you are not trusting Jesus with your life, you are too weak in your faith. Make it stronger; practice contentment. That's the teaching I grew up in the faith with. That's the teaching I now eschew with my whole being. That's the teaching that still remains and grieves me that others bear its terrible burden.
In confession, I talked about something with which I am struggling and muttered that I'm to be content and I am not and that bothers me in light of all that I have been given from the Holy One of Israel, from the Bread of Life, from the Comforter.
Pastor E's response was that my words sure sounded like Law. I retorted I was an ex-Protestant after all. His challenge: "I want for you to think for a moment how that passage could be Gospel."
I was speechless. Isn't this something I'm supposed to do? Nope. Not at all, apparently.
Pastor E pointed out a word I never noticed in this passage before: learned. Paul learned to be content. He certainly did start content the moment He encountered Christ on the road to Damascus. And Romans 7 shows us what great struggles...and failures...he had. And then there was that thorn he implored his Savior to remove from Him, one his Savior, in His infinite wisdom, chose to leave with Paul. Paul never passes himself off as perfect or as an Instamatic in faith. He struggled. He battled. He fiercely clung to the cross despite the path of his life.
Read it in context. There is no great command here, merely words speaking of the grace of God in Paul's life.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction. (Philippians 4:10-14)
Paul was content because of Christ. I can be content because of Christ. Not because contentment is something that I can do. Not that it is something that can be practiced, like exercises that make you stronger, make your faith stronger. I can be content, even in the fiercest of storms, by learning to fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith, by taking in the grace, mercy, love, forgiveness of Christ. I can walk with Peter on water, knowing that when I sink, for I sure will, Christ will be there to ensure the waters do not overflow me. I can do these things by He who strengthens me.
You are learning contentment, Myrtle, just as Paul did.
The Spirit is working in me to teach me this. He is working the blood and body of Christ in me to teach me this. He is working the Living Word in me to teach me this. Hmm...
Pastor's other word of comfort for a different part of my confession came in telling me how privileged I am to be weak. Were I confident in my self, in my talents, skills, and strength, I would not be learning about God, about faith, about mercy, about forgiveness just now. My sufficiency would be in myself instead of in the Cross. Hmm...
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!
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