I was filleted today, rather cruelly.  I had to sit for 32 minutes and hear how I am not committed to my job, how I do not do my work, how I am doing living up to what I professed I could do when I was hired, how I am a poor writer/editor, how I do not try to help anyone, how I am too busy working for others than for my paying job (I haven't had a consulting job in almost two years now), how my involvement in church is taking up too much of my energy, how if I care as much about health insurance as I claim, then I will work harder to keep my job.

I, who paint my boss' bathroom, fetch her meals, allow her to do her laundry at my house, complete her expense reports, file her health reimbursement claims, run errands with her, go out to eat with her in the evenings when I am so exhausted I cannot see straight...literally, am not committted to helping her.

I, who do my work, work she is given by the board and our CEO, and the work of the new person who has dropped the ball, am not going enough to support the organization.

I, who work late in the evenings because she does not come into the office until late afternoon, work weekends, and work even when I am ill, am not dedicated to my job.

I, who holds a Ph.D. in literacy studies, used to be published frequently, and have been paid $125/hour to write for others, knows nothing about the craftsmanship of the written word.

I had told her that I had to leave at 5:45, which she agreed would be okay.  Then, as I was walking out, she asked me to meet her in the conference room for just a moment.  1,920 moments of how I am an utter failure.

By the time I got to confession, I was still weeping and there was but 10 minutes left in the "open hour."  I guess I should have not gone, but I wanted to hear the word of forgiveness and I wanted to have the cross traced on my forehead.  While I did hear the former, it was followed by the cross, nor was it couched with words of comfort. 

The pastor had somewhere to go, some place to be, so he left me weeping at the alter.  I stretched out before it and tried focus more on the Word than the words I did hear and the words that were not spoken.  I tried praying the Psalter, but I could not read, my vision was too blurry.  I tried to sing hymns, but while I know a lot of first lines, I have not a single hymn memorized.  So, I simply lay there, weeping and clutching my bible for nearly an hour.

All I keep thinking, when I step back from the impossibility I face at the job God clearly provided for me, is that for some reason I am to love my boss.

I do not know love. I do not understand it.  And I fear I am completely incapable of really loving anyone. 

Yes, I do know that any love in me come from Christ.  For I know my sin.  This was never more evident to me than when I was sitting at her side in the recovery room, caring for her when all the while I was jealous that even someone as cruel as she has someone who will help her when I spend my time in the hospital all by myself.  By His grace and mercy, she knew nothing of that battle,  God did though.

I know any love in me comes from the Holy Spirit working in me.  I know that.  I know it.  But...I fear that I cannot step aside sufficiently for Him to work in her.  I am an obstacle to Him in my frustration and hurt over her behavior and my weakness in how I struggle to trust Him, how I struggle to cling to the love He has for me, for that to be sufficient when she hates me as much as she does, when she slanders me as much as she does, when she lashes out at me as much as she does.  It is so bloody hard being at work.

Christ's work on the cross is so much bigger than this impossibility I love.  For with God, nothing is impossible.  Why is it so difficult to live what I know?

And why does the "open access hour" for confession have to be with a pastor who does not really seem to want me to come?

Luther wrote, When some problem or quarrel sets us at one another’s throats and we cannot settle it, and yet we do not find ourselves sufficiently strong in faith, we may at any time and as often as we wish lay our complaint before a brother, seeking his advice, comfort, and strength. 14 This kind of confession is not included in the commandment like the other two but is left to everyone to use whenever he needs it....If you are a Christian, you should be glad to run more than a hundred miles for confession, not under compulsion but rather coming and compelling us to offer it.(An Exhortation to Confession, 13,30).

Today, I bought a folding stool to use at the alter next time.  Perhaps if I am not sitting on the floor, the pastor will follow the rubric I crave.

I cannot run, but I would crawl.  And I am begging.  I have been so completely amazed by Lutheran doctrine, by beginning to glimpse the magnitude of objective grace, but I have also been brought to my knees at how much greater is my sin than I ever knew it to be.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!