Thursday, August 09, 2018

Dreading Monday...

I earmarked today as a day of rest, after yesterday's gazillion errands, even though I rested much of the afternoon and evening after the completion of those errands.  Tomorrow, I plan to fetch groceries, vacuum, dust, make cookies, and water the plants on the front porch.  That's quite a bit of laboring for me.  And then, on Saturday, my plan is to rest all the way up until Becky's plane lands.

I have been so bloody exhausted for eons now and I do not wish to be even more exhausted because I was doing too much before Becky comes.  I have a habit of doing so when visitors arrive, trying to ready the house and larder and yard and Fluffernutter.  Heck, because Becky has experienced the lavender-scented version of Amos, I am not even planing to give him a bath before she comes.  Less work is my motto this visit.  If I succeed, it will be the very first time I have not run myself down before a visitor arrives.

The main obstacle to this is that I didn't sleep much last night.  Mostly, I did not sleep from 6:00 when I fed Amos and took meds until 1:00 PM when I rolled out of bed.  Instead, I battled my fear about Monday's spinal tap.

I am very, very, very worried about one PTSD trigger.  I almost do not want Becky in there with me because I do not want her to see me melt down.  She did, once, I think. I mean, I think she saw me absolutely melt down the second night of the pacemaker surgery.  I very much would like for her to never see me that way again.  Plus, the trigger will be at the beginning, so I hate to set a negative tone for the medical torture session.

The second concern is how my pesky nerves will react.  I mean, needles often trigger them, sometimes for months.  Sometimes, the trigger is rather painful.  And, well, I just do not think it would be a good thing to jerk your body against pain when a needle is being inserted into your spine.

And, even if, somehow, those two Grand Canyons of obstacles are overcome, the spinal tap is going to hurt.  Lidocaine shots HURT.  Frankly, they can be just plain awful.  And then you still have pain when the needle is being shoved into your spine.  "Discomfort" is the word.  NEVER ONCE has "discomfort" been anything less than MIGHTY PAINFUL when it comes to medical procedures.

I screamed my way through my last spinal tap.  I know that this one is going to be different.  After all, the radiologist is going to be using a fluoroscope to ensure that he hits the right spot the first try.  But, still, it is not going to be a walk in the park.

I was a bit surprised this morning when I couldn't fall back asleep.  I tried and tried and tried, fetching fresh ice packs every couple of hours as I normally would.  But no shut eye came my way.  Just a few hours after the late night/early morning violent waves of nausea subsided and Amos awoke me for his morning meal.  Then fear.

And thoughts.
And more fear.
And more thoughts.


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