Not wanting to be...

I got so upset tonight that my pacemaker didn't seem to kick off.  Well, it did.  But it would wind down and then spin back up.  What ultimately helped was putting on a flowy skirt.  I kid you not.  We came home from dinner and I dug through my closet until I chose a flowy skirt and a comfortable tank to go with my most favorite lightweight hoodie.

I wish that I were not me.
That I were a different person.
Wholeheartedly.

Becky and I went to a movie.  It was the first time that I have been in a movie theatre since 2010 because of money.  We get there, and I immediately feel the cloying heat of a room without air-conditioning running.  We were the only two folk in the theatre, and I honestly believe AMC was trying to save money.  Becky went and asked for the air-conditioning to be turned up whilst I stripped off my jacket and started using the hand fan in my purse.  I was rather miserable.  Eventually, some cool air entered the room and I could remain as long as I did not move around too much.

You would think that I ...

Dang it.  My pacemaker is going off again just trying to write.

I am not sure what I was going to write, but I was rather annoyed that the movie-going experience was marred in that way.  However, Becky was gracious about the whole matter, steadfastly ignoring my sticky, sweaty grumblings.

In between movie and dinner out, we ran three prescription errands, two for me and one for Amos.  At the first pharmacy, my prescription was not run correctly, so I worked on getting it corrected, given there was a price difference of $8.60.  It made me realize that the other two times the prescription for prednisone was not the $2 Tier One cost was that it was run through GoodRx by mistake.  Since I did not catch it, as I did today, there is no way of getting the money back.

I tried to be ... not me ... but I was a bit grumpy.  So, I worked on reigning that in and trying to finish out the exchange pleasantly and thankfully.

The second pharmacy stop included a grocery run of getting an avocado for chilorio.  Becky bought the avocado and walked over to my vehicle before I finished.

The third "pharmacy" stop was actually at the vet's office, since I knew that we'd be fairly close to it when heading to the restaurant.  I had called to discover how often to follow up on the foot treatment once I finished it.  The instructions simply said "as needed."  The medication is from a year ago, and I just started treating his feet again.  The shampoo means wetting Amos' paws, lathering them up, and then letting him stand in soapy paws for 10 minutes.

The "sample" (translate that an entire bottle) is of a new version that is a mousse.  All I have to do is work it through his hair and keeping him from  messing about with his paws until they are dry.  MUCH easier than the original method.

His vet tech offered the sample bottle to see if the mousse might be easier for me to use, if I am going to treat his feet on an on-going basis.  Free is a good thing.  So is an easier method.

You see, Amos has been licking his paws (and now chewing on his nails) for 18 months.  Most of the time, we've been treating it like an allergy, but it was not.  I finally tried the fungal shampoo again and discovered that was the problem.  I must have not given it a good go the first time I tried it a year ago.

The answer:  Start with once a week and work up to once every two weeks.  Now that I can do.

After our third prescription pick-up, we headed to Olive Garden, where, for the second time in the second time of eating out with Becky out at a restaurant, I ended up sending my meal back.  SIGH.

The first time, when her whole family was here, my pizza was raw dough.  It was a deep dish pizza with raw dough.  It was disgusting.  But I felt as if I caused such a ruckus that the family was embarrassed.  Even now, when I think about that meal, I struggle with believing that I ruined the entire meal.

This second time, well, the dish was missing two key ingredients: sun-dried tomatoes and balsamic glaze.  And I was not about to pay for and eat a dish that was left undone.  Since we were splitting the dish, this time round it was even more embarrassing to me.

I want to be the person who doesn't care what her meal is like.  I want to be the person cares more about the other person(s) at the table than her meal.  But I am not.  Well, I do care about the other person, but I wanted the dish to be ... right.

The server was going to take it away to add those two bits of the dish, but they should have already been incorporated into it, not just plopped on top.  So, I asked for the dish to be re-made.  And then I just started thinking about how much I wish that I could be re-made and now much remaking  I would need.

I grew more and more upset and my pacemaker could barely keep up.

It doesn't help that my headache is worse again today and that coughing makes it excruciating.  Worse even than a migraine.  It throbs for a while before calming back down.  Each time, I swear I won't let it happen again.  Only then I feel that awful pain again.  And I immediate regret every moment I've spent not lying down.

I emailed my GP, but I believe that there is nothing to be done now, except for strict bed-rest, as least as a first line of treatment;  But we are far away from the final solution, which is to do some sort of blood patch over the hole in my spine from the needle used in the lumbar puncture.  Of course, I am only assuming the CSF headache is the problem, since I have not yet been diagnosed.  I am just getting worse and worse and mostly ignoring it so I can enjoy my visit with Becky.  It is my goal, however, to try and lie on my back much of tomorrow.

In any case, it is also my goal to stop being upset with myself.  I haven't even really scratched  the surface trying to explain.  All I can really say is that I am deeply embarrassed that I sought recourse for my dish at two separate meals out with Becky.  I am distraught over who I am on so very many different levels and all that came spilling out tonight.  I am distressed over the pain in my head.  I am annoyed at my pacemaker.  And I am worried that I am ruining Becky's visit with who I am.

SIGH.