Wednesday, August 01, 2018

Sleeping day...

My goal for the morrow is to make Chipotle Chicken Chili and my 15-bean soup.  My larder in the basement freezer is getting a little low.  Once I get to the grocery store, I also plan to make lentils.  Today's goal was to thaw the meat for both recipes and to set the beans to soaking in beer.  A small goal because it was a sleeping day.

I think that is what I am going to call them: sleeping days.

I have been rather frustrated at just how exhausted I have become.  I have also had a terrible time with getting up after sitting on the sofa for an extended period of time and walking up the stairs.  I battle pre-syncope most of the time. And, for whatever reason, my pacemaker is not kicking in when I do.

But I have decided that I need to focus on the days when I am not so exhausted that getting out of bed is practically the only accomplishment of the day.  Even on single or double nap days, it is has been hard to be productive.  SIGH.  On those days, though, I am thankful for being able get things done, around the house and out in the yard.  For I am the only one here to do what needs to be done.

On the sleeping days, I am working on not punishing myself for being so exhausted.  I get so very frustrated for having to nap again when it hasn't been long since I awoke last.  I end up weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth ... before falling asleep once again!  I feel useless.  And unworthy of living.  And all sorts of other dire and negative thoughts and feelings and ideas about myself.  I am working on not doing that.

It is hard.
But there is nothing else that I can do but languish on one of the sofas.

I hope that the morrow does not bring another sleeping day.  I hope that it is a day for cooking and spending time out in my haven.

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