I was humbled today in thinking of what being home right now has afforded me.

I have been able to write on my novel at my pace and whatever time of day I desire. I have been able to sleep as much as I desire, resting a body weary from overwork. I have been able to spend large amounts of time playing with Kashi, Fancy, and Madison. I have been able to lose myself in my favorite books, savoring the craftsmanship of others. Being alone so much, with so little contact with even friends, I have been able to delve more deeply into the bible and pray for fully for family and friends and this world in which I live.

And I have, this day, been able to share my belief in the Lord Jesus Christ.

I struggle with worry and fear even when I believe absolutely in God's sovereignty. I battle my own ability to trust in His timing and look toward the coming weeks without any sign of employment or any response to the dozens of resumes that I have sent out to prospective employers. I am weak in my faith.

But God reminded me that even weak faith is something He can use to His glory. A vendor from my old job called and was overly upset that I had lost my job. She went on and on about all that I had done for the organization and the value it had in an employee who had such diverse talents. She did not understand why I was not as upset as she.

I shared my concerns with her and asked that she keep me in mind if she learns of any communications work, but I was able to also honestly stress that I believe that God is in control of even this. Somehow, in some way, my no longer working at that job is to my benefit, even if that benefit is only to glorify Him.

She was flabbergasted and asked me how I could believe that God was with me in being "discarded" by the organization. It was strange how her response mirrors my own hurt in the matter, but it also made me realize that I had no more tears for the decision that was made. It is still extremely hurtful to see so much of what I labored mightly to create and sustain set aside to wither and die away, but it was their decision not mine. I did do all that I could to honor God in my work and did not stoop to engage in the destructive behavior of others nor neglect my own responsibilities as so many of my co-workers do on a regular basis. I could not have worked harder, perhaps smarter, perhaps not. If the organization does not value ethical behavior and hard work, then I could not do more than I did.

I didn't disparage the organization to the woman, nor will I to anyone else, except for in the privacy of my friends and the veiled anonymity of this journal only a few read. For as hurt and even angry as I have been over the decision, I have not been public in the "truths" that have been so carefully shoved under the carpet there. The vp who left has done much damage to the organization, but he doesn't understand that he is actually hurting the low-income children and families who the organization serves or might serve in the future by his actions.

I could, and did, thank her for her concern. I could, and did, tell her of how Christ saved me and some of what He has done for me in the course of my life. I shared how weak my faith has been just now, but how very much God cares for me even so.

I think on how MS has made my emotions so very difficult to bear. I think on my anger at the butchery of the privet yesterday and how even now it has passed because I understand that there is essentially nothing I can do about the situation. I spoke with the county representative and had her look at the damage. She had me document it and assured me that the county would replace the privet if need be and would re-seed the grass that was destroyed. I used the energy of my ire to effect a repair on the fence that has long been on my mind. If the county comes through, the area will look better sooner or later. If it does not, it does not. At least I was able to not vent my ire on anything other than the fence pole. I spoke calmly with the county representative and at least in a civil manner with the general contractor. I wanted to yell at him, asking him how in the world he could think it was okay for him to hack away on the privet that was so clearly a part of someone's landscaping and far away from the brush he had been hired to clear away from the easement. I wanted to yell, but I did not. I merely asked him not to touch any more of my landscaping.

I think on these things that I am learning of myself and my faith and those who care for my well-being and those whose actions do not truly follow their words. I think on that which I have been able to do just now. I think on the wondrous moment that I could earnestly and honestly glorify God to another who does not yet know of His grace. That itself was a gift of this tumultuous time.

I will finish by saying that it is a bit eerie at times how much I mirror Megan, how her fiction reflects my truth and vice versa. I think on the truth I penned for her and wonder at how it really is for me...

But Megan understood that to spend all her time wishing for that which was not would bring her more heartache than that which was.