Not poor enough...

I am not poor enough to qualify for any medical assistance or prescription assistance or insurance assistance.  I spend more than half my "income" on medical expenses, but that does not matter.  All that matters is that the disability payment is higher than the poverty level for a single person without children.

I have been so ... frenetic ... trying to figure out how to remain debt free—save for my mortgage—and handle all of the increases in house insurance, auto insurance, medical co-payments, prescription co-payments, and the new prescription monthly premium.  The first increase made my mortgage increase more than $100 because of the escrow shortfall, escrow make-up, and new insurance premium.  Seeing no other way out, I talked with the financial advisor who has been helping me pro-bono about the matter.

She really thought my parents or family members would help with things like glasses and tires and was surprised that that kind of help is not forthcoming.  She was impressed by my Craig's List/Ebay/Amazon sales that have now topped $2,200 (I was able to sell the guitar and the mandolin this past weekend and have a buyer for the filing cabinet), but pointed out what I already knew:  I am running out of things that I could sell without some sort of estate agent who would take a rather large chunk of the sale of the silver and jewelry of my grandmother's family that I have left.  Since my retirement is all liquid now, earning absolutely nothing, we made the decision to stop paying interest on a mortgage and pulling out retirement money for medical expenses by paying off the house so that I could pay medical expenses instead of interest.  Hopefully, the plan is that I will stop having to regularly withdraw money from my ever-dwindly, woefully-inadequate retirement account.  Plus, I have been told by several people that if you are to find yourself drowning in medical debt, while financial accounts can be at risk, medical debt cannot be used to force the sale of a house.  So, this way, I would always have a roof over my head, as long as the taxes were paid each year.

In a way, that is what part of the changing the way I cook and obsessing over a freezer is all about.  I know that I waste food each month.  I am most fervently hoping that with the freezer and with the change in cooking, I really will have a lower monthly grocery bill.

As of this moment, my mortgage account is at a negative balance.  The problem is that I cannot seem to manage to get it actually paid off.  Yes, another battle I have been fighting since last week is really going nowhere.

I split the payment across the calendar years so that I could soften the taxes that will be due on the withdrawals.  I paid half my mortgage at the end of last year.  I have been trying to pay the rest this year.  The problem is that my online bank account does not do wire transfers and the USPS system of address verification that is used for the overnighting of certified checks does not recognize the mortgage payoff address for my mortgage holder.  And, while I can make mortgage payments by online transfers through the mortgage holder's website, I am not actually allowed to pay off a mortgage by online transfers.  I am beginning to understand why folk hate banks so much.

Friday, after more than three hours of phone calls and searching for a work around, I discovered that I could pay all but a penny of the principal via the website.  I did that last Friday.  Then, I set up the mortgage holder as a payee on my bank account and sent a payment that covered the $12 filing fee, the $11.95 of remaining interest, and the penny.  I actually sent a total that exceeded that just ... in ... case.  So, as of today, my mortgage balance is negative and I still have nearly $600 in escrow because I could not get the mortgage company to pay the house insurance bill even though it has been paid the past three years in the month of December.

Once it is possible to travel the snow-laden roads, I am thinking I might just take some food and water over to the downtown branch of the mortgage holder and stage a protest until someone completes the mortgage pay-off and sets up a return of the escrow balance.

Did you know that banks will take a lien out against the land of your property if you hold a mortgage with them??  That is not part of the mortgage paperwork process that crosses your desk as you take out a mortgage.  So, once this is all straightened out, I have to also get the promissory note back, the deed of trust released (and the title filed in my name), and get the land lien released.  The latter can be done by going to the county office and ensuring there are no more liens against the property there.  However, what really, really, really irks me is that all the articles I read about paying off a mortgage advise to pay for a title search 4-6 months after the transaction is completed just to be sure that all the paperwork is "clean."  In other words, mortgage pay-offs have become so complicated and fraught with errors that you have to double- and triple-check that the bank has done what it is supposed to be done.

Why is it that the taking of money is always demanded immediately but the returning of money or ownership is always something that takes weeks or even months to complete??

Several folk who have helped me navigate these murky waters have asked if am I excited about having a house that I will completely own.  I feel as if there is something wrong with me because I am not, in the least, excited about that.  I am worried.

I am worried about actually completing this transaction.
I am worried about the fact that I am now left with 1/3 of what I had in retirement.
I am worried about how I will address next year's increases.
I am worried about how I will remember to pay the things that the bank was paying.

The social worker who is supposed to be checking up on me monthly, especially to review if I have been remembering to pay the bills that are not automatic, has never come after the first visit. I call the agency and am told to leave a voice mail.  I call the agency and am told someone else will get back with me. I call the agency and am told that there are more clients than they are able to handle.  What I am told depends on whoever answers the phone.  SIGH.

So, in trying to ensure that all the new financial obligations are covered, I have done the following:

• I talked with the insurance company and started the process to get the bank removed as an additional payee from the insurance policy.  I have also had them make me the one who will receive the bills.  And I filled out and mailed the paperwork for an automatic payment on the house insurance, hoping that will be done by the 19th, when the full payment was previously due.  
• I registered myself as the primary tax payer for my property with the county.  I set myself up as the one to receive the bills.  And I registered for automatic Spring/Fall payments to be withdrawn from my bank account.
• I took my previous mortgage payment, subtracted the amount for house insurance that will be deducted monthly, and set up automatic transfers into 1) a savings account for car maintenance (since I totally forgot about this); 2) a savings account for real estate taxes; and 3) a savings account for medical expenses (primarily the donut hole).  [I have always loved that my online bank lets you set up savings accounts and name them, all without fees and all transferring to and from with ease.]
• I set up four calendar reminders, each with two alerts, to re-file the homestead exemption for taxes, once the title has been put into my name. Each reminder is one week apart, starting at the first of February, since the mortgage holder should have filed their paperwork with the county by then and the filing has to be done by March.
• I set up two calendar reminders, each with two alerts, for the pay dates of Spring/Fall taxes, so that I could remember to transfer the money from the new savings account back into my checking account in time for the automatic payment withdrawal.
• In my checkbook computer program, I set up the new savings accounts.  Then, I also entered into the registers for checking, regular savings, auto savings, and tax savings all the known transactions (both budgeted and actuals) for 2014 ... 193 transactions in all.  

What am I missing?  

I am rather worried that in trying to cover all my bases, I am still missing something.  I am rather worried that in trying to cover all my bases, I am still missing something rather large, such as something like tires and routine car maintenance.  I am rather worried that I am still missing something that no longer having a mortgage means the responsibility for which falls on my shoulders.  And I am rather worried that, despite the triple check of my data entry, the checkbook registers are missing something.

Thankfully, Becky mentioned getting a dog license to me yesterday.  I had not yet figured out what was the problem with syncing the calendars and getting reminders before events instead of after them the last time I took Amos to the vet.  So, I now have a reminder, with two alerts, to call for a vet appointment two weeks before his license is due.

In addition to all the phone calls, accounts, payment profiles, and register data entry, I also went ahead and created the file folders for 2014 (bank statements, medical insurance paperwork, medical expenses, and tax information).  I usually let January and February's filing pile up until March because I know I have a few file folders to make.  Now, I have no excuse not to keep up with the filing.

What does it mean to trust God to provide?
What is the difference between trusting God to provide and striving to be the best steward of that which He has already provided?
Have I no faith that God will provide because I feel so pressured about making wise decisions with that which I already have?

It shames me so much that I worry the way that I do with all of these bills and with thinking about all of the bills to come.  It shames me to think of the financial blunders I have made, such as believing a Christian couple who said they would pay me back for an air-conditioning system I bought.  I trust all the wrong people and struggle to trust my creator.

I think God's provision means salvation, forgiveness, and eternal life.  I struggle to trust about provision for daily bread because, in this fallen world, so many faithful go without.  Being a Christian is no guarantee of well-being, financial or otherwise.  I think about how, when Jesus Christ walked the earth, folk still starved and suffered from illness, and I worry about how to get through that which is ahead of me.  I long so much to be thankful for what I have this day—heat and food and an amazing puppy dog—instead of worrying about what is to come.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!