scrubbing an attic floor
with muscles compromised
by neurological disease
equals tendinitis in both elbows
equals pain no longer unable
to ignore
weak muscles means
recovery time is uncertain
difficult to achieve
means no easy answer
to six weeks of pain
I could no longer ignore
a new horse on my carousel
lower hormones flung me back
in prison
bound by storms
terrified by sensation
blood, hair, skin
everything is back
some still better
some much worse
a horse I thought had been removed
a sympathy of pain
in my head
clashing chaos in concert
inescapable
stabbing, throbbing, pulsing, pressing
filling every moment with agony
turning every soft surface
into concrete
a wearying horse that comes around
too often
blood sugar plummeting
blood pressure spiking
blood pressure plummeting
nausea rising
innards writhing
migraine enveloping
headache lingering
pain in my foot,
pain in my elbows
arthritis pain
multiple sclerosis pain
dysautonomia pain
confusion, cognitive sludge
speaking wrong, writing wrong
losing short term memory, losing long term
losing time and place
losing words
losing who I was
losing me
the turning never stops
slip off one horse only to find myself on another
struggle to accept the ones I have to ride
only to discover another one has been added to the carousel
all this
and...rogue senses
weak in body and heart and soul and mind
weary in body and heart and soul and mind
wishing I could get off even knowing I cannot
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