Would that I were...

More positive. More faithful.  More patient.
Alas, I am none of these things.

I had hoped that because I felt better late yesterday, that I was on a better track.
Alas, I am not.

This day.  Oh, this day has been so utterly awful.  At one point, curled in a ball, all I wanted was for someone to read John to me.  I don't know why.  I am not even sure I could have born the sound.  Right now, typing is excruciating.  But I don't want to lose this day, too.

Thinking I was better, I took a shower last night.  After just five minutes, I was gasping for breath and  was so very scared of my racing heart.  I felt like I had run a marathon or something.  Laying on the floor, trying to recover, I called myself all kinds of stupid.  But I just wanted to be clean.

Amos, bless his puppy heart, let me sleep longer and has not had to go outside hardly at all today.  I fear that means should I stumble about the house to look, I will find spots of outside inside.

Tuesday's worse migraine ever does not even touch today's.  The altered dosage of Imitrex helped for a while, but it is gone and I cannot take any more until tomorrow.  I have swallowed everything possible and spent the day in the dark, constantly switching out ice packs and clutching my puppy dog, as I whimper like a baby. At least my heart rate is now normal for me...as long as I don't try to do anything. Never did the number 55 look so good to me.  And I can feel my lips again.  I just really and truly want someone, anyone, to literally cut off my head.  The throbbing, stabbing, imploding, exploding agony made worse by light and sound and movement is unbearable.  Really, I am not strong enough to endure this.  Nor, apparently, does my body care for any sorts of migraine medications.

I keep saying that I didn't know it was possible to be this miserable, and then I learn that actually I had not yet discovered the true depths of miserable. It is as if misery is an onion and I am but a few layers in.

I don't know why I want to hear it, but I do.  In the beginning was the Word...


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!