Those loving feelings...

In writing about the catechesis instruction, it struck me last night that a part of my fear about lacking faith or not really having faith has to do with it seeming to me that I do not have the same spiritual feelings as other Lutherans do. 

It is not just the adoration of the Small Catechism or the celebration of the Apocrypha or even the bowing, it is so much more. 

• the ardent love for Lutheran hymnody 
• the preference for written Lutheran prayers (which I appreciate and find helpful, but prefer the Psalter other than using the Offices of Prayer to pray with others)
• the elevation/adoration/focus on the church fathers and their writings over and above the works in the Confessions and the Bible itself (especially when it comes time to reading and writing and discussing actual doctrine ... discussing doctrine via secondary sources rather than primary ones!!!)
• the desire to have devotions materials instead of using the Bible and/or the Confessions
• the adoration and use of icons and statues
• the advocation for home altars
• the focus on and excitement about the Saints (and all those holidays and festivals I don’t understand)

In short, none of my passions seem to match those of Lutherans, as do few of my feelings. I mean, there are churches in the LCMS (most of the ones in the DC area, for example) where the Lord’s Supper is monthly or quarterly … just not so important. It boggles my mind when the focus of faith is not receiving the Living Word and the Sacraments, but on activities and life styles and how to be a good Lutheran. 

So I am puzzled and … well … it seems to me that I am as dissociated as a Lutheran as much as I am a person.  I ask myself, how can I have faith if I don’t share or even understand all their faith feelings??

My active and daily study of the Book of Concord is weird.  My love and fervent desire to hear the Word of God is weird.  My wanting to pray with others outside of Divine Service is weird.

Weird.

Odd.

Different.

And none of those Lutheran loving feelings.  SIGH.

Other than thinking about feelings and faith, I dragged my very tired self over to Walmart, with the help of Becky, who stayed on the phone with me whilst I got dressed and drove there.  I had an appointment with the eye doctor.  He is changing my prescription.  Hopefully, the third time will be the charm.

When we were going through the examination, I thought a lot about what the cardiologist and his nurse said about working on being a better communicator and trust that I actually will be heard.  His nurse also said to try and use as many descriptive words as I could.  So, this time, during the exam I worked on vocalizing my thoughts/reasons for the answers I was giving him.  For example, when he asked me which was better, between two options, I told him that one had more contrast for me, between the light of the background and the black of the letters, but was not that much clearer.  Once I said that, he started working in another direction and gave me more options, such as showing me two lines of letters and having me talk about the difference between them.  

By communicating better, he was able to determine that I did need a higher strength in my left eye to better balance the change in my right eye.  He asked that I try to remember how I talked with him during this exam for when I showed up next year. I wanted to laugh out loud about the remembering, but I also silently gave thanks for the admonishment I received from the cardiologist and his nurse.  

Trying to use more descriptive words, trying to explain my thoughts and feelings not only has helped my cardiac care, but it has led to finally getting the catechesis instruction that I have longed for and and to getting to the heart of the problem with my new glasses ... a problem that has been dragging on for nearly two months.

While I have not yet got to any letter writing, I did start working on two loads of laundry.  I am nearly out of my cooking cloths (re-purposed older cloth napkin), all of my dish cloths were dirty, my bedding needed changing, and I am wearing my last pair of wool socks.

About the latter ... watching Fringe for the umpteenth time just helped me figure out why I keep seeing sparks all over the place.  In an early episode.  Walter shocks Peter to prove a point, and when he does, he comments, "Wool socks!"

Why Fringe  again?  Well, Sci-fi is bloody awesome.  But, honestly, I am drawn to shows where brokenness is still useful, even beautiful.  Where brokenness finds balance, even healing.

I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!