This day was worse than even I imagined...very much so.

No one in my office said goodbye or interacted with me but for a couple of people who needed to know where documents were. No one. In fact, only one person in the entire company, save for my boss, even acknowledged my departure...via voice mail.

I knew this day would be hard, but not as difficult as it was.

I was asked to review a 200K grant application late yesterday that had to wait until this morning. I actually tried to do so last night, but my phone is now dead due to the flooding in my neighborhood, so I assumed that I could not log-on to the server via the Internet. Besides, I really have no business working at night now....

So, when I arrived, I reviewed the document that was due this day. After five weeks of work, it was a pile of cut and paste crap that neither communicated a compelling case for the organization nor addressed the actual questions. I was fairly dumbfounded and then quickly sunk into despair.

In my heart, there was no question that I would not try to rewrite the whole document so that the organization had a better shot at the grant. I came this day, as with every other day, to honor God in my work. But tears stung my eyes knowing that my plans for a transition, for closure were shot, knowing that only my boss would probably understand or appreciate the sacrifice...and rather stellar writing.

I worked until after 4:00, bringing my writing student in to help several times and outright demanding that my boss give me her attention and assistance when I asked. The only real less than terrible spot (other than interacting my brilliant, talented writing student) was when I asked my boss to explain something, taking notes on her phrasing, and then crafted a concise and compelling case for supporting the organization's new efforts in Community Assessment.

I was proud of the work because I know that it is good and that it can be source material for many other types of documents concerning Community Assessment.

Yes, I can get lost in the craftsmanship of writing to the exclusion of all else...even feeling like dirt.

At the end of the day, I felt like I was begging my boss for an exit interview even though time was running out. I asked if she could move another appointment and when she explained that that one had already been rescheduled, I practically shouted (okay...the shout was in my head, but it was all I could do to stay my tears) that this was my last day, that I was having to spend it doing someone else's work, that I was not able to get anyone to listen to what I have done and where everything was (no closure), and that I deserved better, I was worth more than this...

When she set aside everything else to meet with me, I could barely keep myself together. I wanted to rage at her, I wanted to weep, I wanted to just walk away. We were pressed for time once we did start talking that while I did try to speak up for myself, I failed to really say what I wanted.

I was angry and hurt that she had not worked to make this day smoother, or at least carved out time for me. I was bitter even in my obedience to Christ in honoring God in my work...bitter because the person responsible for the document still had a job, whereas I do not. I was confused in the logic that my job was eliminated for budgetary purposes, yet outsourcing communications is quite expensive. Then again...I am not the "right folk" for this organization...

I was...and still am...overwhelmed by feeling as if I have been crumpled up and discarded. That all my work counts for naught. That I am nothing...

Still, in the midst of all of this, I tried to focus on the small comfort that my writing student was there with me, two offices away, finishing some things I had wanted to see completed...and being kind to me. She has been God's grace these last eight days. I cherish that gift from Him.