Wondering...

I am wondering if this is Day Two for me.  I surely hope not.

Twenty hours into the half dose of the Xanax, I got sucker-punched with the absolute worst migraine I have ever had.  At the first sign, I thought that I might still at least listen to music, but then all sound became stabbing pain on top of the crushing pain in my head.  I took the toradol, sumatriptan, and then Zofran, because this horrible nausea began.

I have learned of a different kind of nausea now.  SIGH.

When I was younger, before I began life as a chronically ill wretch, nausea was that state just before you threw up.  I would swallow and swallow against that weird sensation in my mouth and hug the toilet bowl, hoping that with each new twisting of my stomach and retching, I would vomit.  Dry heaves are torturous.  Then, once I threw up, I always felt better, an almost sweet relief.

Then, four and a half years ago, when I got the real food poisoning (and at one point was quite certain I was going to die), I learned of the nausea and vomiting that can come when you literally have spoiled food in your stomach.  It was nearly two days of agony before I vomited it all out.  Then, almost magically, I was immensely better and was certain that life would continue.

Two points about that moment in my life:  1) I was literally camping out in the living room on a sleeping bag, waiting for my possessions to arrive from Virginia.  2) I had no bloody idea what that "several abdominal illness" would trigger because I have dysautonomia.  That is how the innards wretchedness often begins in dysautonomia sufferers: either several abdominal illness or severe abdominal trauma.

So innocent was I that day.
And hopeful.
SIGH.

Last night, when the nausea began, it was painful.  I took Zofran and nothing happened.  Knowing the top dose of Zofran is 32 mg at a time, and my pills are 8 mg, after an hour I took a second Zofran.   Nothing happened.  It wasn't the waves and waves and waves of the dysautonomia nausea that wash over you, tumble you around until you feel helpless and hopeless.  It wasn't the I'm-going-to-vomit-nausea either.  It was this incredible painful nausea that left me retching without relief.

About the time I thought that I could not bear another moment of the pain in my head, I realized it was going to start easing.  Strange, I know.  But it did.  Agonizingly slowly, the migraine began to ease.  I Googled the instructions again, just to be sure, but went ahead with the second dose of sumatriptan since the first had started the process.

But the nausea did not end.  And I was dizzy and shaky and I hurt from head to toe.  Literally, my toes were hurting.  My joints felt as if I had not taken Celebrex in a month AND a great front was pushing through.  If you look at Xanax withdrawal forums, what I was experiencing was par for the course.  Withdrawal symptoms usually show up between 24-48 hours.  And—this part is really distressing—not only can withdrawal last years, but Xanax takers can also experience "protracted withdrawal," which is something like a secondary withdrawal that begins 18 months after withdrawal is completed.  SHUDDER.

I kept sending Becky pitiful texts.  I thanked Amos again and again and again and again for his comfort and support (he was the most wondrous puppy dog nurse to me) and for his near miraculous holding of bladder and bowels.  I was really frightened and really despairing.

At 9:30, I wanted to take my next Xanax dose and was quite certain I was going back to .5.  I mean, no wonder folk escape rehab!  I managed to hold off taking it until just 30 minutes before the usual time.  And, with great fear and trepidation, I took the half pill.

The entire night was a colossal battle of body and mind.  I did fall asleep here and there.  I took one more dose of Zofran, which I do think helped.  I stopped retching around noon.  And the pain in my body and joints is marginally better.  I do have a headache that is worrisome.

Trying to relax against the pain to avoid a bounce back migraine is near impossible.  This is especially so if you are wondering, constantly, if this is Day Two of your withdrawal from Xanax or, hopefully, you just coincidentally had a horrible night because you have dysautonomia.

Because the ham (Ossian smoked) was thawed, I managed to soak the black-eyed peas last night.  While I did find three tasty-looking ham soup recipes, I knew I was not going to be able to get to a store.  Thankfully, I had one last onion here.  So, a couple of hours ago, I started making my black-eyed pea soup.

I discovered that I found the sight of bacon cheering no matter what bodily state I was in ... not that I dared eat any lest the retching return.

This is the onions, garlic, drippings, butter, herbs, salt, peppers, butter, and ham all mixed together.  When I cook, I have begun to add things more slowly.  So, for example, I add the ham into that sweet and savoring mixture and let it cook for a while before even adding the bacon.  I did not take a photo of the ham and bacon together, but in stirring it, I wondered just how tasty it would be by itself.  Too hot, though, since the "heat" in there is enough for eight servings of black eyed peas.

The entire house smells rather lovely at the moment.  The dishes are done.  The mason jars and wide mouth funnel are waiting.  And Amos is fed again.

Me?  I am still wondering, trying not to worry about what this evening will be like.
Yes, I stink at not worrying.
Please ... please let this not be a Day Two.