Friday, April 18, 2008

The HVAC is still broken. The weather has turned and the HVAC is still broken.

I left the office in tears today. From mid-day on it was a mighty struggle to keep my temper and stay conscious. I was rather weak and weary by the time I called it a day after failing to upload the newsletter that I have been working on for three weeks for the third time. I fear I was less than pleasant with the printer rep on the phone. I have some apologizing to do on Monday.

On Monday when I go back into the office to bake.

The chocolate I have in a dish for fellow co-workers has now melted. That's how hot it is in my office.

When I arrived home, I dialed the thermostat down to 68 degrees. I plan to chill myself for the next two days in the hopes that for a while, at least, I shall survive another day at work.

I know that might sound dramatic, but heat is a horrible thing for people with multiple sclerosis. It exacerbates symptoms and is completely debilitating. While the symptoms subside once the person cools down, I have spent day after day in oppressive heat.

This job is what I have been waiting for...waiting for so long. I have been learning lessons, many rather difficult ones, but ones that stand me in good steed just now. I do feel as if the Lord has been showering lessons of patience upon me. While I am grateful for what I can see changing in my life, I struggle with how difficult such a wonderful opportunity is. When does the peace come?

However, even in my utter despair this afternoon, I was ashamed to find myself wallowing in my fears and frustration when I have been so very blessed of late.

Yes, I have had pain in my legs for days and days. I have found it rather difficult to fall asleep at night for the burning that races up and down my legs, seemingly slicing my muscles with the heat of the pain. I read until I can barely hold my eyes open and then lie there waiting for exhaustion to overcome the pain. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would say the pain is about a 7. The high dose of Celebrex that I am on for my arthritis does not even touch it. Or maybe it does and that is why I can bear it. In any case, I have been blessed.

I had a wonderful visit with B and her family at her cabin. I came home to a new job offer and just one more week of chaos. I started a challenging position with a witty and whimsical, exacting boss at an agency doing good work in the community where I get to write and organize for a living. The next week I have my dear friend D come to visit with her daughters. The week after that my Second Cousin D and his family are here. And the week after that, last night, I get to see my dear friend J for the first time in thirteen years! A friendship of letters, emails, and now cell phones that has borne the weight of time and distance quite well. J is a remarkable woman.

She arrive for the briefest of visits. I was a weigh stations of sorts for her and her husband and one of her children. I had meet none of her family, so greeting them was wonderful. The truly amazing part of her visit was that she came bearing gifts aplenty.

I opened the door, stepped out to meet them all, and found myself standing between two packages of Dr. Pepper. She also brought books and creamy yogurt and gorp and Earl Grey tea and macaroons and other goodies...including a special lotion for feet and legs.

Now I had not yet written about how much my legs are hurting me. She had gleaned all my other likes or needs from my blog, but not that. Not that at all. God knew how I have been feeling. He knows.

The lotion makes my skin tingle, which is soothing and cool and distracting.

So, I was in tears leaving work and am worried about what Monday will bring. In truth, I am most worried at how much weaker I am and what that might mean. I have had far more pain of late than I care for...and yet it is ever so clear than I am cared for...

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