Sometimes...I just wonder about my dwindling faculties!

I have been trying to figure out how to get the photos to my computer since 1) I do not have the cable that came with the camera and 2) I do not have a card reader that reads xD cards. Well, I just discovered that the laptop Dell sent as a replacement well over a year ago has a card reader that will accept xD cards!

So...here are a small sampling of my moss photos:







What joy there is in green growing things...

What a beautiful day to celebrate the incredible gift God gave in His Son. I think I could spend a lifetime trying to understand the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross... Whilst doing so, I pray I never forget neither the cost of giving the gift of eternal life nor the blessing of receiving that gift.

Selah

I back dated this post, although it is already tomorrow...

While I would rather be spending another day with B and her family, the thought of unpacking my stuff that I just loaded into the car to lug it into her house only to pack it back up and load it into the car tomorrow is a might overwhelming. For all that I have been reveling in the mountain air, the mossy scenery, B and her family, and a surfeit of movies and games, I am tired from coughing at night. I think that my asthma does not love the cold air as much do I. This might be a wee bit of a problem with my goal of moving to Appleton...

I did not arrive back here until 2:45 AM and it took another hour for me to unload the car, hang Fancy's cage, and get the groceries into the refrigerator (I was supposed to eat them all there, but I found more tasty supplies at the local grocery). Here I am now, nearly 4:00 in the morning, ready to tumble into bed.

For years B has talked about going to the cabin. I cannot begin to write just how much I enjoyed finally having a chance to understand what a wonderful place it is...a bit of peace settled in the heart of the Poconos.

J is such a smart little boy for someone who has just 15 months under his belt. He has learned that when I go to the closet to get Kashi's leash it means I am taking my puppydog for a walk. J will toddle over to me, sign the word "please," and hold his arms up toward me. Who could resist that?

He will either walk beside me, heedless of the number of falls he takes along the way, or he will ride inside my sweatshirt. Either way, J spends much of his time in wide-eyed, quiet contemplation of the world around him, said ruminations occasionally punctuated by deep sighs.

Oh, the lessons we can learn from the very young...God is a mighty Creator whose artist's hand painted such a lovely portrait on this planet...

We might possibly have gotten a bit lost when venturing out today. We had set out toward a neighboring town that had a Wal-Mart in search of diapers and millet. After driving in the right direction, doubting our navigational abilities, turning around and driving in the wrong direction, then realizing that the first direction was the right direction, we called it a day and hit a local pizza joint.

On a scale of 1-10, the pizza was probably a 3. In fact, extra cheese was, in this case, really too much cheese. However, since B loves just about all pizza and I have never encountered a cheese pizza that I would not consume, the meal was satisfactory.

We stopped by a local grocery store for a few supplies before heading home to put the children to bed. J was a marvelously well-behaved little boy. E had a knock-down, drag-out temper tantrum on the floor of one of the aisles. At one point her shoes were off and she was kicking at anything and every thing. B handled it beautifully, and we finished our shopping. It might possibly have happened that some new Turkey Hill ice cream and some local gorp leapt into the shopping cart whilst my head was turned. I did pick up some fresh strawberries, basil, rosemary, and asparagus.

Fancy was happy to receive the millet. I had forgotten to pack some, and it is a big part of her diet. Thus far, I have spent a lot of time with her on my shoulder so that she would not become stressed over the trip. She also rode up here on my shoulder. That seemed to make the trip easier on her. She does not like the dark at all, and I had to wrap her in a towel to make the transition from the car to the cabin because of the cold weather. B brought a small space heater for my room so that Fancy would not get to cold. The heat bothers me, but I know that it is important for her.

Today, I spent some time on the porch swing hold J and with E at my side. I prayed with them both about this world God has given us and the family He gave to the two of them. At first E was fidgeting, but then she started prompting me on what to add to my prayers.

I am so very, very blessed by B and her family. I mean, it is not often someone will welcome you and your pets into their home, making allowances for all of your quirks and their needs. For example, today B let me sleep to noon and then ignored my grumpiness as I transitioned to wakefulness. She plays games for hours on end and endures my joyful victories and sullen defeats. She loves my guffaws and makes silly faces at me. She washes my dishes and fetches things for me, especially if doing so would mean that I would have to bend over. She is quite appreciative of my own cooking and cleaning and diapering. And she will take out my dog for me to spare me the trip down the steps. She does not laugh at me for having a bird on my head and will let me pass Fancy over to her so that I can get up and do something. She might be annoyed at Kashi ardently defending some toy of his, but she does not kick him to the curb. She loves me and mine. That is something wonderful.

Great is the Lord. How wonderful a Creator is He!

We are fully engaged in resting and relaxing. And watching more Stargate SG-1. And playing games. I have won two rounds of Rumikub and one of Skipbo. I won two more games of Quorridor before B finally figured out the strategy to that game. The last three games were miserable losses on my part. She won one game of Sorry; I won two. We both won a few games of Splashdown Uno. I won You've Been Sentenced. G won Rummikub. He indulges my game hunger from time to time, but mostly he lets B play with me.

Tonight, I sauteed chicken with olive oil, ginger, mustard powder, garlic powder and maple sugar tapped from one of B's own trees! I must say that it was rather tasty!

E has had some tough times choosing appropriate behavior, but B and G are staying the course with her. She is such a bright, engaging child. If only she didn't have quite such a tenacious spirit.

J is adorable. And...I still have the J Magic!

I am already so very satisfied with this trip...and I have six more days to enjoy the beautiful nature whilst in the bosom of my best friend's family!

In case you are wondering how I can post from here, I will admit that I found an open wireless Internet connection. One of the neighboring cabins must be high tech!

Today was lovely. We played games and watched numerous episodes of Stargate SG-1 [Oh, how I am rejoicing that I can finally share my love of sci-fi with B!] J is walking all over the place. E walked Kashi for the first time! I have photos galore of the latter.

B and G are great fire tenders, so the cabin is toasty. I, of course, am reveling in the cold temperatures outside. I was sweaty, really hot and bothered, while packing up the car on Friday. I feel as if we were cheated out of a winter this year. Now I will have 8 days to enjoy the crisp, 40 degree air!

The best part about the cabin: moss! Yep, I have already taken over 2 dozen moss photos with three different cameras. Once I work out how to transfer the photos from two of the cameras, I shall post them for your viewing pleasure!

I want to shout to the world that I shall NEVER again drive to Pennsylvania on a Friday. Even being with B and G and their children is not enough to assuage the arduous journey that it took to get here to their family cabin in the Poconos. I mean, really, a 2 and 1/2 hour trip took over 4 hours because of HORRIBLE traffic. UGH!

I was grumpy and starving by the time I got to her house and feel as if I practically shoved them into the car after we finished dinner. I wanted to get here and be done with all of this traveling!

The extra driving is absolutely worth it...just not coupled with Friday traffic.

To enter the cabin, though, there are many, many steps. Since it is built on a slope, the main floor is actually the second one. My bags and bags and bags of luggage only arrived in the cabin because of the grace of B and G. Two times up the stairs were enough for me. My MS weakened muscles greatly protest the laborious climb.

I am glad to be here and look forward to much, much rest!

~~~~
NOTE: Late Thursday evening, Kashi butted my hand with his head to get me to pet him. However, when I did so, he bit me. One of his canine teeth went all the way through the top joint of my left pinkie finger. I was begging him to let go and all he could do is look at me with this very confused expression. By the time he did, I was a bit faint from pain and horse from hollering at him. I poured alcohol and then hydrogen peroxide over the wound to clean it. Then I applied antibiotic ointment and slapped on a cushioned bandaid. My finger is quite painful and swollen. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my finger will heal without professional medical intervention. The vet thinks Kashi is showing signs of dementia due to his old age. I know he was sorry. After all, I was only petting him because he wanted me to do so. He certainly gave poor thanks for my affectionate attention!

I had a second interview today. I am still confused as how to most accurately assess the interaction.

We talked for just over 3 hours, although the latter 45 minutes was a discussion about our trips to Italy. I did learn that she is exacting and tough, with a clear vision of what she wants to accomplish in her department. However, I also learned that she is creative and has a touch of whimsy (one night she painted the walls of the cubicle enclave purple to boost morale--she went on to decorate the area with a world travel theme and then tackled four other offices).

Early this afternoon, I had a meeting with a sponsor. The meeting went quite well and gave me pause as to pursuing this new job opportunity. I mean, I know that my current situation is nearly an impossible one in which to achieve victory or professional development. I know that. However, today I had this glimpse of how I might possibly some day effect a significant change that would better the agency and, thus, better the lives of children and families in our area.

I really was having second and third and possibly fourth thoughts about the interview. And then I talked with her again at length. I know that this would be the first job where I was challenged to work to my potential. I would be working with someone who is a complete match when it comes to work and communications philosophies. I would also be working with someone who enjoys laughter and recognizes the importance of work/life balance.

I want this job. I am still not sure about the possibility of actually landing it. But I do want this job.

Oh, am I miserable!

I worked for 11 hours straight today, ten of them on my feet. ARGH!


The expo went exceedingly well, though I do need to admit to "two learning curves."

The desk top theme was well-received. My Tips, Tools & Resources fact sheets were popular, and many people asked if they could dissiminate them to their own audiences (a great opportunity to spread our brand and position us as a resource agency). Our key chain flashlights were a popular giveaway. And the additional information on other workshops was helpful to many of the attendees.

We did have many requests for separate information about our respite program. Unfortunately, I did not think to bring this material. I had a combined fact sheet and thought that sufficient. I also forgot my own business cards. I had not thought them necessary, since the attendees were people who would be contracting with us and, thus, interacting with others in our agency than I. However, since so many people wanted to use my fact sheets on parenting, I could have passed out my cards so folks could email me to get the PDF versions.

Still, the event went well. Our table had solid traffic. Our brand was certainly visible, given that we were quite near the door. And one component of my communications plan (having internal collateral that also serves external needs) came to fruition rather splendidly.

It is just that my feet are killing me, and my arthritis is making it too hard to fall asleep again. I wish to go to sleep, to rest up for yet another meeting tomorrow, but I am lying in the green chair hoping an extra dose of Ibuprofen in addition to Celebrex might help enough to allow me to go to bed. Friday cannot come soon enough.

Then, even if I am still tired, I will be tired in a cabin in the Poconos with B, playing games, watching movies, taking photos, and enjoying the beauty God created in this world.

I taught the workshop on multicultural literature again tonight. This time there were more folk, more questions, and lots of discussion. I truly enjoyed teaching and the exchange that comes in workshop settings.

I did have a bit of trouble finding the right room, trouble that ended up in an asthma attack since I had to drag over 100 books up to the third floor only to cart them back down to the second floor and across the building. The directions I had were somewhat inadequate.

Having left my inhalers in the car, I ended up jamming the Epipen into my thigh in the hopes that I might recover enough to teach. Although I was trembling from the drug for the first hour, I did manage to go on to my workshop.

By the time it was over and I arrived back home, I was ready for a month's rest, but tomorrow is the big expo. I have to get up at 5:30 AM (I know...you're laughing because you don't think that is even possible for me).

Despite the fatigue, I spent some time thinking about the books I shared and our conversation. We talked about history and race and ethics. In exploring such, the attendees learned about more than just books and were thankful for the experience. The person in charge of training does not think much of my idea of offering workshops for the foster parents. Yet I have seen, twice now, parents completely engaged in the topic and in the learning process. How could that not be a very good thing?

I miss teaching. I really do.

I spent another weekend reading. I only plowed through 6 books, but I did managed to draft a few more pages for one of mine.

My writing student reminded me that I am being rather neglectful of my own words. I have written so much at my job, often either without notice or with dismissal. I had not realized that I had shut down at home as a result. Whether or not my dream for those words ever comes to fruition, I am refreshed and revitalized when I have taken the time to given into the muse that visits when my fingers touch the keyboard with the intent to craft tale of the characters that reside in my head.

May I be ever mindful of her reproach this trip around the sun and give the gift of words to myself at least as much as I do to my job...

I feel as if I shall collapse beneath the burden of that nomination.

It is mailed. There is nothing that I can do now. I have written and rewritten each and every word what seems like thousands of times, but is more probably a dozen or two. I can hope that I honored this most deserving family with my words, but I fear that I did not work within the space limitations as best as I could. I needed more time, much more time, to really do them justice.

It was very difficult to hand that envelope over to the mail clerk behind the counter. I wanted to do more, so much more than I had.

However, I must remind myself that this is another opportunity to trust in God's sovereignty. He knows this family. He knows their needs. I was either His vessel or someone else will be... in His perfect timing, His perfect plan...not mine.

The family is amazing. I cannot really put into words all that I am feeling at the minute, but I can say that they are truly deserving and could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the other families ABC has honored.

Mom and Dad are 58 and on their second turn at raising children, this time foster children. They have adopted 4 and have 1 permanent-placement foster child. These are the ones they have kept. They also have sheltered over 50 other foster children in the past 22 years. Why is that special? Well, all five of their second-turn children have medical disabilities, some of them profound. Yet, these children are being raised in a family where they are loved and accepted and "normal" compared to their siblings. They are in a diverse neighborhood that embraces their differences and treats them like any other child.

Mom and Dad encourage the children to be as active as possible, giving no thought to ideas that being disabled might be a barrier to the activities they wish to pursue. They attend all the games, recitals, and gatherings of their children's hobbies. They also attend every medical appoint and therapy session of all of their children. From every aspect of their care, Mom and Dad are deeply involved. One example is the sacrifices they make so that the oldest can participate in a wheelchair basketball league that has tournaments all over the country.

Mom runs the local chapter of a Spina Bifida support group, volunteers at Children's Hospital, advocates for public accessibility in various venues (panels, boards, etc.), and supports parents with disabled children all over the nation. Mom and Dad also run (along with her husband) a medical equipment exchange closet so that families can have what they need to care for their children.

Their house is not set up for handicapped children, nor is it anywhere near the right size for a family of seven. Still, they manage to eat together most every evening and make do with what they have without complaining. When their first four children join the fray, the home feels more like a can of sardines, yet they are as committed to their new siblings as are their parents. It is a family that focuses on what they have rather than what they do not.

I was truly humbled by interviewing them today. They could not understand why we wanted to nominate them. Mom and Dad see themselves as just doing what needs to be done. I am quite worried that I will let them down by not truly conveying the magnitude of their sacrifice, their commitment, their love, and their needs in the brief format ABC allows for nominations.

I am praying that I can honor their work in mine.

I printed every minute that I was in the office today and all yesterday afternoon (once our weekly unit meeting was completed).

I am trying very, very hard to have everything ready for the expo next Wednesday by this Friday. I don't want to be scrambling around next week. Monday will surely have some important task needing doing that people forgot about, and Tuesday evening will be filled by the unit meeting and my teaching the second workshop on Multicultural Literature. Wednesday, I have to have the display set up by 8:00 AM. So, for me, Friday is my deadline for getting everything done.

However, I just found out that I need to put together a submission to ABC's Extreme Home Makeover Edition for one of our families. I need a killer essay, a compelling video, great photos, and a 20-page (I am hoping much of it is legal-ease) detailed application in less than 48-hours.

But what about my printing? I want to scream...

The frustration of this day was alleviated somewhat by working with my writing student on her scholarship essays and by playing B in Scrabble.

K had another round of applications in which she had to create the most creative and compelling answer to sometimes uninteresting questions in 500 words or less. In working with such constraints, I encourage writers to first draft the answer that they would like to give, heedless of word count. Then, the real writing begins as you have to start removing words in such a way that your answer is actually enhanced as you fit it to the word limit. We had just a great time finding 96 words to eliminate from her essay when 5,000 words would not even have been sufficient to telling the remarkable tale of her grandfather and her Italian ancestors. You remove words that then requires you to add more. You go up and down, up and down, trying to get to that perfect essay. I tend to check the word count a bit obsessively during the process, but K does not mind. A writer at heart, she understand the thrill of the challenge and does not begrudge my constant monitoring of the amount of ground gained.

As for the Scrabble of late in my life, would it be bragging to post to the world that I got a 140-point Scrabble word? It was "germiest," played on two triple-word spots. It was a great moment for me. I have had bingos popping into my letter selection quite often of late. I am enjoying the ride, but B is not so happy with my winning streak. I know it won't last, so I am trying to savor every moment without alienating my dearest B.

~~~~
Note: Someone called me to let me know that my references were being checked...

How could I have forgotten how very much I enjoy Earl Grey tea? Really, how?

I practically lived off the stuff while pursuing my Ph.D. in Columbus, Ohio, and not just because those were the coldest winters I had experienced thus far. After a professor served me my first cup, I drank it by the gallon, with cream and honey.

Someone gave me Black Raspberry tea. Then I think I got some Black Vanilla tea. Then it was Black Vanilla Maple. When that was no longer available, I found Black Vanilla Carmel tea, which I have had in my house of late.

However, while digging through my tea shelf hoping to find a stray bit of chocolate (I store the special stuff on that same shelf), I found some Earl Grey and prepared a cup on a whim. Oh, my, that first sip was like greeting a long lost friend! I just so enjoy that taste. I enjoy it scalding hot and even cold. It just does it for me, something I can truly savor from first sip to the last.

How could I have forgotten that?

I got roped into doing work for another department because that department fired the only person who can do design work without having a back up plan. I became their back up. I don't get paid extra for the extra work. No thought was given to how my own work would need to be set aside. And my doing so has caused a brouhaha between the VPs. I save the day by getting the 8-page agency newsletter done but no real thanks...just conflict when people (who shouldn't be) are reviewing my time sheet and complain about my hours in a different department. I am asked to do the work, but I am criticized for doing so.

In fact, I am so much criticized that I have to submit a job description for the senior VP to review. Me, a new employee, and I have to write my own job description. On top of that, I am instructed to leave off all the administrative work that I have been doing since the admin person was never replaced. "They" would be angry if they knew I was doing it. That doesn't make sense to me since "they" are the ones keeping the position open.

I cannot outsource the regular 1,000 piece mailings, but neither am I to do the work myself? I have to do the work, but essentially lie about doing it?

Crazy, eh?

~~~~
NOTE: Even after several hours of reflection, I still cannot decide if the interview went well or not. My skills are great. My experience a boon. She would have to figure out how to fit me into the budget and could not hire me any time soon because she will be training the other person.

I have fallen into a poor habit of reading late into the evening, even on work nights. I suspect that it is because I have been hiding in books lately. In fact, I spent the past two days reading eight of them.

I did nothing else but read. Kashi curled up beside the couch, while Fancy joined me. Two whole days of reading one book, getting up to fetch another one, and then settling back down on the couch.

I can get lost for hours at a time, living the lives of the characters I encounter, reveling in the world around them, testing limits. facing dilemmas, battling evil, fighting for good, helping others, studying truth...doing something that matters...in that world.

I found a job listing back in affordable housing doing exactly what I was before, a job where my diverse skill set would actually be an asset instead of something that sets people against me.

[Why is being multi-talented such a bad thing?]

I took nearly two weeks to gather my courage to apply.

[I have had too much rejection in the past two years.]

Some time after midnight, I sent off my cover letter, resume, and link to my online portfolio. When I awoke this morning, I found an email from the company asking me to call. I did, had a phone interview, and then was asked to come in for a second interview on Monday.

I am not crossing my fingers, though, about this job. I am trying not to hope because the hiring manager literally told me that she had been looking for someone just like me for months, that she despaired of finding one, and just extended an offer for a junior communications person as a part of a plan to parcel out the workload of the communications manager she needed. Still, she did ask me to interview in person.

I keep telling myself that if the Lord would like for me to escape my present job (and it would be an escape), then He will provide a means to do so.

Still...the thought of getting back to doing a job where I actually am allowed to do that job...ah the longing!

I keep trying to write about pain, but each time I do, I feel as if it only comes out sounding like a personal "pity party"--a phrase I particularly dislike. However, I wanted to try again.

I hurt all the time. Period.

If it is not arthritis, then it is MS. If not MS, then arthritis. And if it is not both, I am probably having pulmonary discomfort, though I admit that is much less common than the other two reasons.

For this fitness team stuff at work, I had to choose two goals. Mine were Dr. Pepper and stretching, as I mentioned previously. Well, I treated this week as a practice week, although the real practice week, as it turns out, does not start until Monday. I did not do so well with either steps or water. Stretching ought not to be considered.

The great health personnel overseeing the program determined that I should be drinking 100 ounces of water per day for "proper hydration." I stink at getting 16 down (0r whatever is in an average bottled water bottle). Water just does not taste very good to me. Plus, I get so involved in what I am doing that I find myself drinking only at meals. I have milk for breakfast, milk for lunch, a Dr. Pepper for dinner, and a small glass of Gatorade at snack time. I keep a bottle of water at my desk and try to drink it during the day, however it usually lasts several days if not the work week.

I did try the stretching, but I have only done it two days out of six. It is too painful. I am a wimp. I am a wimp even knowing that if I could find a way to push through the first few weeks, it would get better.

So, how is this about pain? I hurt all the time, even when trying to do something to have a more healthy lifestyle.

When I get up in the morning, I have to steel myself again the pain I will feel when I place my feet to the floor and bear my weight for the first time. It is as if I am standing on knives. I am also stiff and have to loosen up before I can move freely without pain.

When in a car, after a half hour of driving, I stiffen up and have difficulty exiting the vehicle. After an hour, I am in pain. After two, I am in agony. I have tried driving with pillows and moving as much as possible whilst remaining safe behind the wheel, but nothing seems to help. My back, knees, wrists, ankles, and hips protest rather vehemently my exit from the vehicle. The more I move about, the pain subsides. However, after long drives, the time it takes for the pain to do so is far longer than I would wish. I should also add that when I moving about, pushing through the pain, I have a slight tendency to be grumpy. Okay...perhaps more than slight. Sometimes I wonder that B does just through me out of her house when I arrive because instead of greeting her with the enthusiasm that reigns in my heart, I grunt hello, trying and unload the car as fast as possible, settle my pets, and then fervently hope I will feel better soon. My thoughts are mostly about me and little about her.

Sitting at my desk or in a conference chair for long periods also results in pain (and grumpiness). Riding on a plane or car hurts. Meetings hurt. Not moving for extended periods of time hurts.

Standing for extended periods of time hurts. My lower back stiffens in a different way than it does when sitting. Sometimes it feels as if it is a cramp and I try to bend over or raise one leg as if it is on a step to relieve the painful pressure. Standing for an extended period of time also hurts my feet. No matter the type of shoe or cushion sole insert, the pain begins. It is difficult to shift my weight from foot to foot because my left ankle has not healed fully from the fracture of two years ago. I can, briefly, have my full weight on it, but I cannot raise myself with that ankle at all and have to be careful when I try to stand on my tiptoes that my right foot is bearing most of my weight.

Going up and down stairs hurts. If it is not one set of muscles, it is the other. Muscle fatigue happens so very quickly. In addition, that pesky ankle makes navigating the steps downward rather risky at times. Finally, negotiating stairs upward--usually more than a single flight, but sometimes just one--finds my breathing labored and painful.

Putting my legs up for extended periods of time hurts. I have to be careful about how the weight of my legs is born. For example, I cannot have my ankles bear the weight because they become quite painful and stiff and tears will spring to my eyes when I try to move my legs. I usually try to have my calves bear my weight, but I have to do so with my knees slightly bent. I have to do so because all my joints save for my shoulders need to be slightly bent or they will hurt.

When I lie in bed, I have to have my legs bent, elbows bent, wrists bent, and fingers slightly cupped in order to be pain free. This is most easily done lying on either side, but if I do so, then some nerve in my arm is pinched, which eventually simultaneously deadens my skin, stiffens my hands, and awakens me with severe pain. I will turn to the other side or try to get myself all bent but still lying on my back. If I lie on my back, though, my lower back will stiffen up and become painful. I also have to be oh so very careful that my neck is supported since I tore the muscles in my neck in college and can get lingering cramps if I do not have the pillows just perfect. And they must also raise me up some so that I can breathe more freely while lying down.

I also have pain in my hands. They cramp severely after just short periods of repetitive motion. Washing my hair hurts. Brushing my hair hurts. Blowing it dry is out of the question.

Unloading the car and carrying groceries results in pain. B knows I prefer to shop for my groceries a month at a time, but I wonder if she connects that fact with how much it hurts me to do so. The weight of the bags hurts my elbows, wrists, and hands. Holding heaving things, even something as small as a ream of paper makes it hard to breath. Doing my one-trip-from-the-car nonsense compounds the pain, but then it is over quickly.

I could go on, I suppose. But I hope I have made my point. Living hurts. That is my excuse for being so poor at my therapeutic stretching exercises. It is a feeble excuse. After all, I ought to be used to pain. I do have that oh-so-wonderful-drug Celebrex that battles the general arthritis pain quite magnificently. Without it, I couldn't function, I couldn't work. In fact, I couldn't imagine life without it. However, it can only do so much. Far more often than I care to admit, I supplement that drug with copious amounts of Ibuprophen, but I have tried to be better about that of late.

My two thoughts about the stretching, other than why put myself through that suffering, are to somehow gather my courage to try acupuncture one time or to try having someone massage my legs before or during the time I tried stretching. However, both options costs money. The first would also entail conquering fear and trying to figure out how to determine who might be a good acupuncturist and the latter entail trying to figure out the logistics of getting a massage and then stretching right then and there instead of having to get back into a car and end up stiffening up before I could get home or finding someone willing to massage my legs while I tried stretching.

Too much thought.

Too much pain.

Have you ever envisioned something and then have it actually turn out better than you had thought it could?

I have been laboring beneath the weight of having to come up with a display for an expo table at a very important vendor fair for virtually no money.

I did find this four panel set of display boards that are covered in practically the same gray fabric that lines all of our cubicles. After staring at it for a few days, I came up with the idea to create an agency cubicle. I figured that I could scrounge out desktop items from empty cubicles, set up a Power Point presentation to run on a flat panel display (with a disconnected keyboard and mouse resting before it), and set out collateral and give aways on the "desk."

I ordered a nameplate that had the program name on it. I also ordered some 8x10 photos and clipped them to the panels just as employees do on their cubicles. In addition, I created a framed version of our logo and tag line to hang in the center of the "cubicle." Finally, I put up three pieces of paper with agency message threads on them.

I know that this might be a poor description, but I surely received the feedback for which I was hoping as my co-workers saw the display today.

"Wow!"

I was hoping the end result would be creative and not cheesy. I must say that I absolutely hit the mark. Of course, I will be spending the next two weeks printing the collateral I need for the event, including chopping up several hundred bookmarks once they roll off the printer. Still, today I could be satisfied with a job well done.

I spent over an hour today comforting another co-worker who was in tears.

I do praise God that I had the opportunity to bring Light to someone else's darkness.

Each time I do, I am reminded anew of the grace God has shown in my own frustrations with my experience at the company and with my responses to those criticisms and challenges. He has taught me much and then immediately repeatedly put me in circumstances where I can speak Truth to another who needs to hear it instead of the critical lies that have filled their ears.

My theme: It's business, not personal. Do your work heartily unto the Lord and with probity. Let everything else fall away.

I pray that I can continue to remember these things myself...

Well...I stopped wearing my Dallas Cowboy lounge pants today.

I must admit that they will not last very long if worn every day and most certainly would want to at least wear them for the games next season. So, I decided a change was in order.

When I looked in my closet on my "comfortable clothing" shelf, I realized that I had been woefully neglecting my Sugarland and Dr. Pepper t-shirts and the four pairs of lounge pants that I wear with them..

I am becoming reacquainted with them.

Today, I worked on the next Tips, Tools & Resources Fact Sheet for the parent mailing. It will not be going out until March 1st, but with a few big projects coming up, I decided to tackle the job.

This is the second one I wrote from start to finish, instead of compiling information that I researched. The first one I did was on literacy matters, so it was basically a matter of trying to figure out how to fit three college degrees on one page. This one, however, was based on a comment my friend D made a few weeks ago.

He and I, as older singles, have spent quite a bit of time hanging around families since we do not have one of our own. His comment had to do with something that had actually been bothering me for a while: even members of Christian families do not really speak kindly to each other.

He started noticing how little praise, encouragement, or gratitude was spoken. Instead, the general interchanges were filled with teasing, cut downs, and down right rude remarks. We commiserated a while about this, sharing examples less-than-kind speech and noting missed opportunities for kind words. So, when I set out to draft the resource page today, my mind kept returning to that conversation.

After a few rough starts, I settled on a way to express my thoughts: Honey Speak.

I built the piece around the adage " You will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." It is basically filled with ideas of opportunities where families can speak words of encouragement, praise, and gratitude.

Well, I liked my idea so much that I built a wee little website around it: www.honeyspeak.com. I was having trouble getting the domain name to forward to my free website compliments of Verizon. If it is still not going through, you can see the original site here.

What do you think?

I decided to join a fitness team for this contest at work. [Don't laugh.] I did so because I wanted some folks to hold me accountable for a few fitness goals.

The company held the competition last year and decided to repeat the program. There are two categories of awards: those who take the most steps (we all have pedometers) and those who lose the most weight. I sought out some team members and signed us all up. Somehow, along the way, I managed to get myself nominated as Team Captain. [I said, "Don't laugh."]

The "nutritional consultant" has determined that I should be drinking 72 ounces of water every day. [Really, don't laugh!]

Everyone had to pick two goals. I chose 1) to stretch every day for a minimum of 30 minutes and 2) to give up drinking Dr. Pepper save for one can a week. [Fine! Laugh!]

So....how well do you think I will do???????

Ah, well...what can I say about B's visit?

Three days of lounging on the couch. Three days of stuffing ourselves with tasty food. Three days of battling wits and luck across myriad games.

A truly sublime time!

~~~~
Note: B is coming a long way towards embracing the wear-the-same-comfortable-outfit-over-and-over-again club.

B is here!

Besides give me a great big hug, what was the first thing she did? Walk straight to my microwave and find the rice button that I had been swearing was not there! Tomorrow evening we shall have Chinese food and rice made in the new rice cooker her mother gave me at Christmas!

What was the second thing she did? Immediately start putting her peanut butter cookie dough into the oven so that I could have her incredible cookies.

Now, I should note that there was some strawberry bread on the bottom of the oven that started smoking, filling up the kitchen and threatening to trigger the alarm system tied into the phone line to contact the fire department automatically. The air was a bit thick for quite a while.

I am rather reluctant to admit that the remaining work on her laptop did not go as planned. We spent a rather long while trying to get the wireless card to recognize my network. I was on hold with Linksys when B thought to reinstall the driver. That did the trick. I should have thought of that immediately, but progress was made.

However, there were many updates that needed to be downloaded and her memory is only 128 megs. The laptop only handles 256, but I found another 128 chip online for just $24.

After stuffing myself with six cookies, we played Scrabble. B was really hindered by all the downloading that was going on and couldn't easily access Dictionary.Com, a key tool we use to slaughter each other across the board. I won the game, but it was a bit of a hollow win. Still, I am back in the 600's...albeit temporarily.

We have yet to line up our moving viewing list or bring up the stack of games from the basement closet.

I cannot wait for tomorrow!

I very much dislike Valentine's Day. Very much.

It is not a day for singles. Nor is a day for a forty-year-old woman who yearns to share her life with someone who will cherish her.

We had an all-staff meeting during which I actually submitted some suggestions for ways to improve the agency. This was not the best choice since those are usually not well received no matter how often they are solicited.

Then the COO asked to talk with me...and postponed the meeting just minutes later. I very, very much dislike when someone announces that he/she needs to talk to me. I admit that I immediately and rather frenetically try to figure out what I did wrong. Now...I just have to stew...

I do not like this day. I struggle with seeing couples on a good day. On a day where expressions of love and commitment abound are ubiquitous, I find simply being alone quite difficult.

So, I worked late, late, and well...late. I didn't even roll out of the parking lot until after 9:00, which was quite unfair to Kashi. Even more so, were my tears on the phone to B when she should have been snuggled up on the couch with her husband.

While I revel in the grace God has shown me, I desire with my whole heart to not spend the rest of my life never being loved, never knowing the covering of a man.

B was kind and caring whilst I cried, but way too soon G needed to use the phone. It was with great reluctance that I said good-bye.

Still sniveling, I called my cousin D. Now let me tell you, no matter how awkward it is for him, he will go a long, long way to try and understand. Four hours later, we tabled the conversation for another day.

Yes, I have introduced D to the wonders of the marathon phone call. While we have talked for a few hours several times before, it was just last month that we had our first call of super length. I had called on the way home and ended up spending dinner and the evening with him, via the wonderful product that is unlimited night and weekend minutes!

We both prepared salads for dinner and then compared our culinary experience bite by bite. We discussed technology, photography, writing, consulting, family, pets, tennis, and his globe-trotting trips. Although many states lie between us, we could have been hanging out on the couch together.

Tonight, our conversation was similarly far ranging. Upon learning of my tears he asked a few awkward questions and then rather skillfully changed the subject. By the time we were both ready to fall into bed, it was no longer that wretched holiday.

He did admire the design of the poetry book I have created using the poems of children and youth from 8 affordable housing communities. The cover is so-so, one I had to make do with the parameters given to me. The inside, however, is totally me. Just one part I will describe: the page numbers are centered on four different geometric shapes that are in different places on different pages. For example, if there is a natural curve in the lines of the poem, I tucked the circle shape beside it. It is a bit whimsical, a reminder that this is a book of poems by children, a work of art. He found my design provocative. SMILE

Of course, Kashi and Fancy feel rather neglected. I am exhausted. And I still need to vacuum and dust before B arrives tomorrow.

I really, really do not like this day. Thank you D for carrying me across the finish line!

The power went out at work this morning. It took over an hour for the powers that be to send us home. In my opinion, the fact that a tree took down the power line should have made the decision quite obvious. I certainly could do not work without phone or computer.

On the way home, I stopped by Target to purchase a gift for my nephew on behalf of my brother and stock up on some groceries in time for B's visit. You would think that since she will be here in just two more days that I might actually let her get some work around the house, but instead I sweet talked her into playing Scrabble for a second day in a row. I am rather greedy in that regard!

She won one game. I won another. That should be a good pattern, right? Well, it actually is not so much good for me as for her. With a higher ranking, she gains more points on her wins than do I. I did manage to scrape my way back into the 600's...barely.

While it was not a snow day, getting to leave at 12:30 was a pleasant surprise. A double dose of Scrabble made it quite a good day.

A mere 4 hours and 45 minutes later, I have finally updated the maps on my Magellan!

Little did I know that this would be such a difficult task. Had I known, I still would have ordered the update. Had I known, I might have saved the arduous work until later. However, once started, I had to finish.

The good part about the update is that the software came with an AC adapter for my GPS unit. The 6000T has been great for me, even if I still get lost since I can be a bit doltish at times about following its directions. "Recalculating" and "When possible, make a legal u-turn" are phrases I hear far more often than I would like. My only wee disappointment was that it did not come with a charger for the house, only one for the car.

Over the past year and a half, I have toyed with the idea of buying one, but I didn't have to have it. I just wanted it for the convenience.

For the most part, I have been rather diligent at putting the majority of my money, even holiday gifts, toward my debt. When I have strayed, it has been to get something for B's computer or to take a colleague to a much needed lunch. I did spend a smidgen more than my Amazon.Com gift certificates totaled at Christmas. But those books have been quite helpful in keeping me occupied at home and not out engaged in activities that take money. This is in part due to my policy that if I get a new book in a series, I must re-read all the ones I have before opening the new one.

Anyhow, patience paid off in this instance because I got one for "free" with this upgrade. Of course, the charger is a necessary part of the update process since it took so blooming long!

~~~~
If you read B's blog, you will be happy to know that I have gotten her XP properly installed and Office re-installed (a better version). It sure is great to have IT folk as friends. I still need to update XP, but for that I need the installation disc for her wireless adapter since her laptop does not have an ethernet port. I am HOPING that when she arrives with the disc on Friday, the update will be a mere afterthought and not another computing ordeal. That way, we can play on-line Scrabble while she is in the green chair and I am on the couch!

If you are keeping track, she won four games in a row before I finally won again. I am in those dreaded 500's. Her favorite word from today's game: afloat.

~~~~
My legs turned into watery noodles this morning, just as I arrived at work. I felt several times before coming home. Between the constant headache and the blurred vision, I should have known something was coming. Even though I told my co-workers that I had MS, I do not think that it really registered with any of them. They were a bit taken aback as I struggled to get around before heading home.

B has been great at getting rid of her germs for our visit. I would hate to be hobbling around while she is here. Her most wonderful mother is taking over the care of her children straight from work on Friday so that B can leave earlier in the afternoon. Three days of games, gal time, and movies galore!

Well, 50 information packets, 200 magnets, and 1,000 envelopes later, I am done with the stuffing, sealing, labeling, sticking, and arranging projects I had this day. Nine and a half hours passed whilst doing so, much of which I confess that I struggled not to resent what which I was doing. Oh, how I wish I were doing else wise at work. Tomorrow I do get to write a press release...

Fancy was 85 grams on Friday. Today, she is 91 grams. Since Madison's death, she will climb up to 101 grams, but does not stay there very long. Dropping down to the mid 80's is so very dangerous for her.

I called my vet yesterday to see if I should bring Fancy in again. We made an appointment for Wednesday. Fancy trembles more, but she is eating and drinking and preening herself. All of which is normal behavior.

I am starting to think that perhaps her struggle is because she is too lonely during the week when I am at work and is just not eating enough without the company she has with me on the weekends. Today, for example, she has camped out on my shoulder for much of the day, napping and preening and nuzzling.

I found a bird at a rescue shelter, but in order to get it, I have to have two interviews and a home visit. The adoption fee would be half of the cost of purchasing a bird. However, I am leery of the interviews and home visit. Funny, I can walk into a store and walk out with a bird. But trying to rescue a bird, I have many hoops to jump through without even the guarantee that I would get the bird. That seems a bit backward to me.

I would go out tomorrow and bring home a new companion for her if it were not for the fact that a match with cockatiels is hardly a sure thing. Were she to not take to her new flock or he to her, it could depress her further. I have had her now over 6 years. I just want to do the right thing for her well-being. I simply do not know what that is.

To be honest, I should admit that my Scrabble boast of a week ago is not longer valid. Alas, the last three games I have lost. The last was by one point, but the first two losses were by large amounts of points.

My ranking in the 700's for which I launched a most rigorous campaign did not last long. One more loss and I shall loose hold of the 600's.

B's post about the wins is most humorous. She notes that when my rank falls into the 500's, I become a pointmonger. I cannot argue with that. I go for the cheap points. You see, I will play "ha" in two directions where the "h" is on a triple letter square. That's a quick 25 points. Alas, the truth is that for all my love of great words, I find myself most often going for the cheap points. B will play great words, even if doing so means getting less than 10 points. I want two dozen or more points on every play possible. Okay, let's be real: I want to win every game.

I revel in playing B. She is so smart and so crafty with whatever 7 letters arise on her screen. Half the time I am playing her, I find myself marveling at her play. However, while I wish victory for my friend always, I would like that victory to somehow magically take place without my own defeat.

You know, sometimes I feel like my obsession with avoiding smokers is taken a bit oddly by those around me. Today, I was in Costco with co-workers shopping for the upcoming training session when the issue arose.

We were sitting down enjoying a slice a pizza with our shopping done, when I smelled smoke. Now, smoking is not allowed in Costco, so I was a bit puzzled. The acrid smell triggered that familiar tickle at the back of my throat, and I thought about my inhaler back in my bag at work. I swiveled my head around trying to figure out who was the source of my potential distress so that I might effect a strategic retreat. I couldn't spot the problem and nervously bent over my pizza again. I was loathe to leave it, finding Costco pizza most tasty, but I did not relish the thought of another asthma battle. My co-workers kept telling me not to worry, but I did start a mild cough.

The problem, as near I could tell, turned out to be a very old man who was wearing smoke tainted clothing. He was wandering around, and when he came close, I was overwhelmed with the smell of smoke.


When I see smokers, I will often cross the street. If I have to pass them, say to enter a building, I will take a deep breath, cover my mouth and nose, and hustle by as quickly as possible. If I enter a restaurant that has too much smoke, I will turn around and leave. I feel badly doing so when I am with people, especially since going to restaurants has virtually been eliminated from my existence given the financial strain from which I have been recovering. Basically, I only go when I am being treated to a fine meal.

It bothers me, deeply, when I catch flack for doing so. My brother and my father, by whom I have been treated the most since I lost my job nearly two years ago, are the worst about chidding me about my worries about second hand smoke. My dad just doesn't remember with his cognitive difficulties. I think that my brother just doesn't care.

Anyhow, I read this article today about a teenager who died from an acute asthma attack shortly after arriving at a smoky bar where she worked. She had struggled with her asthma several times in the past year or so. She also avoided her meds unless she was feeling the symptoms. However, none of that should have resulted in her death.

The whole reason smoking has been banned in public places is that we know second-hand smoke kills. When you hear this, you think: Oh, yeah...lung cancer. However, second-hand smoke can be deadly for asthmatics.

I guess I am writing all this to say that I found the article quite sobering. Sometimes, I feel pressured to not be so vigilant in looking out for smokers. Today, I thought that perhaps I have been too lax of late. Dangerously so...

I printed for 9 and 1/2 hours today, at times using three different printers.

I printed 100 program cut sheets for the recruiters.

I printed 750 pages for 50 informational packets, although I still need to print the business card sized adverts for the magnets. Those pages have to be feed in one page at a time, pushing the green check button after each sheet is completely through so the printer will grab the next sheet. Once those are done, I still need to assemble those packets.

I printed 975 letters and 975 labels utilizing two black and white printers. Of course, I did run into a problem since the antiquated version of MS Word that I use refused to do the large mail merge (one that had been completed several times before). Fortunately, I had brought my laptop and was able to move the source document over via flash drive, merge them, and move them back.

I printed 1,500 of the 4,000 fliers I need for the mailing. Even if I can get the printer to churn out the other 2,500 tomorrow, I will not be able to print the 1,300 bookmarks that were to be included in the library mailings because each of those sheets (that fit 4 to a page) have to been fed the same way as the business card sheets and done so on both sides.

Alas, I am so very discouraged over what I am doing verses what I desire to be doing.

That said, I have continued to be able to serve as a source of encouragement to the two women who are going through a rough time and to do my work heartily as if for the Lord (I need to look up whether or not I ought to be doing it cheerfully as well--the verses about cheerful givers I know, but do not remember if the same holds true for workers...). I am trying to focus on serving the Lord that way instead of the arguments over toner and manual mass mailings that are filling my days.

~~~~
NOTE: Monday was filled with a monthly mailing to the parents, which includes a packet of information and much, much printing. April will be the next time I have to do this mass mailing again. Also, my headache has moved into its seventh day of existence. SIGH...

I have spent the last three days at work trying to get a toner order fulfilled after being placed last week. The order is large, granted, but it is for a mass mailing about our next training session. This will be the fourth time I have done the mailing and the third time I ordered so many cartridges for our color printer. And yet...

And yet...someone stopped the order and then questioned it for days on end.

I very much dislike the fact that I have been reduced to arguing about toner for a mass mailing that I resent I must do.

I practically melted down when I was told that the order had finally been approved, but only for 4 cartridges, not 10. I was supposed to place another order when those were done. What??? Had I not already explained that I would blow through five the first day, one to replace the cyan which was empty and then a whole set with my print job. I had even told my boss that we would most likely need at least 4 if not 8 to return us back to having a set in the printer and a set on hand status.

I was supposed to be printing every day this week to get the materials ready for the volunteer who is coming on Monday. She only comes on Mondays. Next Monday is a holiday. And the mailing is due out now. I have to get those darned letters, labels, and fliers printed! All I could see was red, red because I knew I would need to print on the weekend unless I had very long days Thursday and Friday.

At the end of three contentious days, I have been told that the order should be here tomorrow afternoon...or definitely by Friday afternoon.

ARGH!!!

From Friday through this moment, I have been sporting a rather vicious headache. It is ever present and quite painful. I have taken pain medicine, rested, and slept with cold compresses over my eyes. I find myself clenching my jaw against the pain, which only makes it worse.

What worries me is that the year I was diagnosed, I suffered this same sort of headache from May to October.

The joy of God's grace and the happiness at the victories have helped, but it has been difficult to keep my spirits up beneath the weight of this constant pain.

Tonight, I am abandoning my long-standing firm belief that milk should only be consumed ice cold. I am about to toss back a glass of warm milk and crawl into bed, thinking of non-headache thoughts.

~~~~
Note: Last night, I struggled to fall asleep because of the pain, so I threw back the covers, fetched a pair of scissors, and tended to my much-neglected bonsai. When I was finished my pruning, I watered it, breathing deeply of the damp earth. While I savor the cold and wish it lasted far, far longer than it does here in the nation's capital, I do miss the oneness that comes while working with the soil.

I have despaired over this fact with B and W time and time again. At least I am not crying over it now. What fact? The reality of my existence: Nothing is ever easy. Nothing.

My mother offered to pay for three plumbing repairs that have been wanting in exchange for helping her with her website. I readily agreed, sought out recommendations for a plumber, and awoke at the ghastly hour of 7:00 this morning to open the door to company who had the most positive reference.

I am most pleased to report that the leak in my bathroom faucet is now repaired, allowing me to remove the mason jar that had been capturing the water so that it wouldn't be wasted. I am equally pleased to note that the outdoor faucet that suffered from the same problem now leaks no more. However, I am disheartened to report that, while the toilet is no longer leaking from the flapper, I can barely flush the handle and, when I manage to do so, there is this distressing whooshing, sucking sound at the end of the process.

I called the plumbing company to come back and repair the repair. The manager said he would talk with the plumber and call me back. That was 9:00 this morning. How long do I wait?

Tiger Woods came back from behind to win by one stroke at the Dubai Classic. He had to shoot a 7 under par to put himself in contention and then wait out Els on a par 5. Just like in 2006, Els shot his chance to win in the water. Yeah, Tiger!

~~~~
As the world knows by now, the Giants also won. I am glad Eli is out of the shadow of his brother and was heartened to see Payton there heartily cheering him on to victory. I am glad Eli and Coughlin were vindicated by such a victory since the harsh and fickle fans of New York have been awfully hard on the two of them. And I was glad that the '72 Dolphins kept their place in history. Those football players played for the game, doing so for a mere fraction of what players make today. They deserve to hold that record.

~~~~
Yesterday I got to slaughter my dear friend B in a game of Scrabble even though she was ensconced with her extended family up in the Poconos. How wonderful is she to include me in her mini-vacation! I am rather grateful for the way technology has kept up close. Between the byways of the Internet and the airways of Sprint, we enjoy time together even though we are separated by miles and miles and miles. Of course, just because I was quite moved by the opportunity to play, I still felt the need to WIN!

For the record, I should note that B will be here the 15th to the 18th for a girls only long weekend. While I will revel in her presence, I will admit that, alas, most of the games we will play will not be won by me...

Fancy Gram Watch: 93

Today was a perfect reflection of God's grace.

I spent much of the day thinking about yesterday and how perfectly clear it was to me that I needed to be at my job in that valley so that I could be a light to someone who would be faced with some of the same darkness. It is difficult to describe how I could ache with tears over her hurt and yet want to dance for joy for the perfect sovereignty of God.

Well, as if I needed another reminder of His grace, I had a co-worker call me this evening, broken over her marriage and a serious financial hole her husband tumbled them both into without thought to the repercussions of his actions. I found myself, for the second time in two days, serving as a beacon of the Truth of Christ and His Word.

It is funny how much counseling I have absorbed from W over the long tenure of our friendship. I was able to help her work through some of what she was thinking and feeling and point her back to the crux of her marriage and life: Jesus Christ.

Furthermore, I was able to share godly examples of the ways between a husband and wife from not only B's life, but from the woman I was with yesterday. Circles of light shed from life to life.

For all the tears I have shed, two days in a row I was privileged to staunch the tears of a sister with the Truth of Christ.

I am not where I wish to be. I struggle with feeling like a failure all the time, feeling as if I have spent the last decade waiting for the opportunity to do what I am capable of doing and yet only find myself in menial labor again and again and again. I produce high quality work and yet I am neither adequately compensated for it nor truly acknowledged for the value added. I have been attacked while trying to work with integrity, and I find myself working with less than sane folks making less than healthy business decisions again and again. And yet...

And yet...God is sovereign. I believe he brought me to this job. While it is not where I would place myself, my time has not been wasted in the Kingdom of God even if there have been no earthly rewards. I admit that I wish those would come, but I revel in the grace God has shown me in the past two days.

I have been through a dark storm at my job and have questioned often why God would lead me to such a place once more. After all, I am so very tired. I want a place where I can contribute. I want a place where I am welcomed. I want a place that is stable and healthy and honest. This is definitely not what I have experienced since walking in the doors that first day.

However, this day I know the why of it...at least in part. There is another child of Christ who has been hurt and broken and beaten down at work. A change in leadership brought about an unexpected change in how she was treated. I noticed the change and have puzzled over it. I even found myself in the uncomfortable position being caught in the middle of her messy situation. I have worried a bit and wondered what I could do or even say.

Yesterday was the breaking point for her, a time when she truly despaired of her future and wanted to flee. I didn't stop her. After all, I would be a hypocrite had I done so. I was, however, able to support and encourage her with words laden with the authenticity born by my own battles at work.

As I spoke to her, I found myself marveling at the mighty act of peace God has wrought in me over where I am. I still struggle with whether it is right to remain in a place where I question the integrity of its leadership and where the most unhealthy dynamics flourish. However, I cannot deny that God has been light to the darkness there.

For the third time, I found myself being able to comfort and encourage another sister in Christ. Over and over, I see small changes that have come about by remaining steadfast in my commitment to excellence and integrity. I have finally learned to stop trying to please people at work or caring over much about how I am perceived or even appreciated.

Since the middle of December, I have gone to work each day with the mind set that I wish to work heartily for the Lord. I have set goals based on what I believe I can accomplish despite the restrictions and limitations I face. I have steadily build a solid platform for whatever comes next, whether I am the one doing the work or not. And I have been incredibly productive at producing high quality work. While much has happened that practically scoffs at my labors, I have found satisfaction in knowing that I have given a solid witness. Oh, how I have learned to turn the other cheek.

It was an honor, therefore, that my experiences and lessons might be a comfort to another. We do not always get to see the hand of God at work. What grace He bestowed upon me to glimpse for but a moment some of the why of my life!

I am cold. I have been nudging the thermostat up all evening. At my last check, it read 76 degrees. And I am still cold.

I called B to tell her that. She is miserable with the 400th cold she has had since Thanksgiving, and yet I wanted her to know that I am cold.

Now, I have way too much blubber on my body to be cold. Truly, it is a veritable mystery. I mean, really, think about it. 76 degrees is enough to send me to my knees, to cloud my mind and tremble my limbs. 76 is stinking hot for me.

So, please tell me...why is 76 so blasted cold just now?

On this day, many moons ago, God gave life to my dear friend B. That was a good day.

This day is a day to celebrate her life. It is also a day to be thankful for the love she has poured over me, the encouragement she has showered upon me, and the chastisement she has gently given me. It is a mighty work of God that she walked into my classroom one day.

I have learned of the fragrance of Christ from her. I have learned of light and salt. I have learned of forgiveness and acceptance. I have learned of faith.

I have learned trust, friendship, and sacrifice.

I have learned love.

When I was there at Christmas, the days passed with things that needed to be done taking priority over my desire (albeit a selfish one) to fill them with games and movies and copious amounts of B time. One morning, I took Kashi for his morning walk, grumpily thinking about how I had had practically zilch time to spend with B when I was sleeping beneath her own roof. Well, I walk back inside and find the B has set the DVD ready to start a movie I had brought for her to see and had set up the game Sorry for us to play. I walked back inside to a great big gigantic "I Love You" from a woman who never ceases to amaze me at the magnitude of the gift God gave me in her.

I could spend a week with her wearing my Dallas Cowboy lounge pants and she would not bat an eyelash. I could fall asleep on her couch in the afternoon when she needed help getting ready for visitors and she would only hope that the vacuum would not disturb me. I could eat up her sumptuous peanut butter cookies, leaving her a quite empty jar, and she would be glad that I enjoyed her cooking. I could cry and question and whine a bit and she would accept the place where I am. I could slaughter her in Scrabble in my ruthless attempt to break the 700 mark in my score and she would play me again and again. I could guffaw loud enough to turn heads and garner stars and she would revel in my laughter. I could be ill and tired every day of our friendship and she would stay by my side and wish me well.

Yes, oh my yes! This day is a good day.

Tiger Woods is winning. All is right in the world.

94 grams. Fancy has lost three tail feathers. I am not sure how much they weigh, but could I not ascribe a gram or two more for that sake?

This evening was so very wonderful. I managed to get to my bible study with the help of the pastor who teaches it. You see, I really have rather rotten short term memory. Those brain cells seem to be those most affected by those things wreaking havoc in my body. I make lists. I plan. I set up reminders. I used electronic aids. Still, I forget.

The pastor, bless his heart, emailed me several reminder, the last one in all caps. Even so, I had come home and crawled into my pajamas and thrown myself on the couch before I remembered once more that I was going to make my way to the bible study come rain or sleet or snow.

The bible study, as I have mentioned before, is one my writing student's mother found on the Internet. It is taught by a Lutheran pastor and attended by members of his congregation. It meets every other week when not in conflict with the church calendar, i.e., that is not during advent or lent. Oh, yeah, the people who come are all quite old.

When G and I first arrived, I looked around, felt stupid for crashing some geriatric gathering, and wanted to leave. However, half way through the bible study I realized what a privildege it was to be with folks who still hungered for the Word of God after an entire lifetime.

The pastor teaches as if it were some sort of seminary class. Well, at least he teaches straight from the bible, giving historical and theological background. Each time I go, I am blessed by my time there. I am challenged by God's Word. And I revel in the time of study.

Anyhow, G picked me up and off we went. I was keen to get there because this was to be the only one before Lent begins, which means that we wouldn't be meeting again until after Easter. Since this was a one-timer, the pastor was teaching on a separate topic, rather than continue our study of Isaiah. He chose to read about the Ethiopian Eunuch in Acts 8. Read that chapter and then Isaiah 53 (where the Eunuch was reading by the side of the road) and then in Isaiah 54 and 56 (where he most likely continued reading).

If you read in Acts, you learn that this nameless official of the court of Candace (a rank, not a name), you would learn that he was coming back from Jerusalem where he went to worship the Lord. Now, if you are like the Pastor, you would remember how Deuteronomy tells us that eunuchs were not allowed in the temple. And if you carry a layout of the temple in your mind, you would remember that the court of the Gentile was the outermost place. So, you would realize that this was a very disappointed man having been rejected in his attempt to worship the god he had been reading about in the Isaiah, the purchase of which points to his commitment to to discovering truth given the outlay of monies that purchase would have involved. However, all I knew was that he was on his way back from Jerusalem...that is, it was all I knew until Pastor started teaching.

The Holy Spirit sent Philip to meet the eunuch. When the apostle heard him reading, he asked him to share. The passage that follows in Acts is a quote from Isaiah 53, the passage of the suffering servant.

He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; like a lamb that is led to slaughter, and like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, so He did not open His mouth. By oppression and judgment He was taken away; and as for His generation, who considered, who considered that He was cut off out of the land of the living, for the transgression of my people to whom the stroke was due?

The eunuch was moved by hearing of Christ, seeing how He, too, was rejected and He, too, had no hope of descendants. He asked Philip, probably rather tentatively, if, given that there was water nearby, there were any reason why he could not be baptized. He probably was expecting to be rejected once more. However, Philip replied with the Truth that the eunuch should have encountered in Jerusalem. All that was necessary was for him to believe in Christ.

He confessed his belief and was baptized. The Holy Spirit whisked Philip away. And the eunuch went on his way rejoicing.

Pastor asked us how Luke could have known that the eunuch went on his way rejoicing. A good question, eh? He posited that perhaps the eunuch, thrilled by what he had discovered in chapter 53 of his Isaiah scroll, kept reading, especially since he had a long drive home in that chariot of his. If he did, he would have read how God would use the barren one to establish His generations. The eunuch was barren. Another connection.

If he read further, he would have found that the text written 700 years before he took a breath were the lines that shaped his life. In chapter 56, he would see that God would preserve justice, far from treatment the eunuch found at the temple. He would see that God would have the foreigner welcomed and the eunuch given a name and a house within His walls and generations beyond him. Justice. A Name. Belonging. Future Generations. Promise after promise that spoke to the empty corners of the eunuch's heart.

Still, that is only supposition, right? How did Luke know that the eunuch went on his way rejoicing? Well, tradition among early Christians holds that this eunuch went on to become the father of the Coptic church in Ethiopia, one of the oldest expressions of Christianity that survives to this day, a church from which came Clement of Alexandria, Origen, and Athanasius. It is a church hard pressed on all sides, yet one that has stood fast against the rise of Islam to hold to the Truth of God's Word.

2,000 years later, I am reading in God's Word of a man who read God's Word written 700 years before him. I am reading of the power of faith even when faced with absolute opposition. I am reading of a man who was nameless and barren and had no place. Yet God had a plan. He spoke to Isaiah for all the generations to come. He also spoke to a single man. And He spoke to me.

The eunuch was in the desert, literally and figuratively, when He was quenched by the Living Water of Christ. The eunuch's life had been as God had purposed to bring him to a point where he was reading a scroll of Isaiah on a road at a time and place that was perfect in God's time and in God's plan.

Is not God's sovereignty a marvelous and wondrous mystery?

Fancy has slipped down to 83 grams. I just do not know what is her problem. She has definitely started to molt, which is a stressful time for her. However, she has never made it above 103 grams and her normal weight is 115. So, 83 is incredibly dangerous. I am worried for her. Short of shoving food down her beak, I do not know what to do...

I am not a Monday person. I cannot seem to start a week feeling anything other than tired, exhausted, and a bit frustrated. I cannot manage to go to bed early on Sunday evenings. I find myself tackling chores or reading a book late into the evening. I work some and get in a bit of organization. Seemingly, I do anything but get rest.

Now, from Friday evening until Sunday evening I do plenty of resting. Truly I cannot do much else. I sleep long hours, lounge on the couch, take naps, and rest some more. Still, Sunday evening finds me lingering awake until well after midnight.

I practically leap for joy on Monday holidays. I actually have not worked at a place that observed them in a long, long while. My current employer only observes two besides the big ones (Labor Day and Memorial Day). Today is one of them.

I read books all day. I napped twice. I was a bum.

So, will I get to bed at a decent time so that my Tuesday is not a Monday? Let's hope so...

I was quite dismayed to find last evening that Fancy weighed 97 grams. After all, she is going in the wrong direction.

Well, I cannot begin to express my frustration when I arrived back home from leading my father back home to pick up Fancy, weigh her, and discover that she now weighs 90 grams! What is wrong with her? Did she feel neglected while Dad was here?

I have been trying to decide if Fancy is molting or not. She has lost four wing feathers and two tail feathers (all while she was still 101 grams). She has also lost some body feathers. Around her neck, on her cheeks, and her on her crest, she does have some new feathers coming in. However, I haven't found a mass of feathers lining the bottom of the cage and flying around the room. When she molts, she does get stressed and looses weight, but nowhere near to the degree that Madison did. And...when she did, her usual weight loss was a mere 10 grams. 97 grams puts her nearly 20 grams below her usual weight.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also really wanted to watch the Packers/Giants game, but I am so tired that I fell asleep some time during the first quarter and slept through the entire second quarter and half-time. Fancy did take a nap with me, tucked beneath my chin.

I wish I understood what she needs to get back to her usual weight...

My father got lost on the way home. This was not a good ending to a good visit (a visit made better by the fact that he bought me seven movies from the $5--it has dropped from $5.50--DVD bin at Wal-Mart).

His Garmin Nuvi 660 stopped navigating. Once he realized that he was in trouble, my father turned around and made his way back toward my house. Only...he over shot it by a few miles. Somehow he ended up at a movie theatre, parked his car, and asked someone to use a cell phone. I am thankful that one man took pity on him and called me.

Once I met up with him at the theatre, we had to go searching for his car because in all his confusion over being lost, he lost track of it. My poor father was literally blue with cold when I found him standing outside the theatre. He shivered beside me in the car as we wove our way through the aisles until we found his car and then dropped his keys four times trying to make his cold-stiffened hands work.

The plan then shifted to his coming home with me one more night. After getting gas for his car and for mine and picking up a hamburger from Ruby Tuesday's (a compromise since I did not want to go to a restaurant in my Dallas Cowboy lounge pants), we headed home and watched two more movies: Outbreak and True Lies.

He is in bed asleep now. I drew a map that would take him between my house and his in the hopes that he can get home tomorrow. However, I am not sure if putting him on the road without his cell phone (he forgot it at home) and without his Garmin (remember that is not not working just now) is the best idea. I thought about driving him half-way home, but I am not sure if my step-mother would meet me.

She is angry about all this. She thinks he broke the Garmin, but I know that he did not. All he did was change the navigation setting from Fastest Time to Off Road. You see, on the way here, he ended on up on beltway (never a good thing) and wanted to avoid doing so again on the way home. In truth, I was the one who actually changed the setting. So, if changing a setting is what broke the GPD unit, then it is my fault. This is actually the second one he has had because the first stopped working just a couple of weeks after he got it. I personally think that it is not the right unit for him. While my Magellan sometimes is fussy about entering addresses (and downright troublesome at this intersection near B's house), I think it is more user friendly for someone who needs repetitive actions to reinforce his memory.

For example, each time I route to a place on the Magellan, I am given the option of four navigational settings (Fastest Time, Shortest Distance, Most Use of Highways, and Least Use of Highways). On the Garmin, you set the navigation in a tool menu that is three screens separated from the routing menu and that process has to be repeated each time you want to change it. I just choose the navigational preference as a part of my routing.

Dad is 66 (I think...I need to do the math and it is much to late for mathematical computations). He is entirely too young to be having these problems...but he will not go to see a doctor about it and my step-mother will not take him either. She complains that he stays in the house too much...but really...if you got lost when you went out, wouldn't you choose to stay home? Being lost is quite frightening and a bit depressing. Because of the MS, I struggle with navigation myself when it comes to new places or those visited infrequently. I understand the fear and the frustration and the self-recrimation. I don't blame him for staying home and playing Spider on the computer.

I also happen to think that it must be terrifying to be my father right now...to know that his mind is failing. Oh, he is young...much, much too young for this.

My father is over this evening (he is braving my germs). We are in the midst of another movie marathon. Thus far, we have watched The Breach, Casino Royale, The Gauntlet, Turner and Hooch, and The Bourne Ultimatum. We have many more to get through if we are to finish the pile my father brought with him.

For dinner, I made him some of those triangle pasta stuffed with spinach and mozzerella cheese (the last of them I have on hand), steamed broccoli and carrots (made with the steamer B's mother gave me for Christmas), and a wild greens salad with dried cranberries, feta cheese, and sunflower seeds. He found the meal to be rather tasty. Having a raspberry fruit chiller for dinner was sublime to him. I think I have made another convert of those delicious frozen treats.

The only down side to this current movie fest is that even though he came over in broad daylight and with the assistance of his Garmin, it took my father over two hours to make a 45 minute drive. I welcome the company, but I fear I should not keep encouraging him to visit.

Snow!

Fancy is hovering around 101 grams. That is 14 grams less than her normal weight. For those of you who are not mathematicians, that is nearly a tenth of her body weight. On a bird, a tenth is a huge proportion. I can feel her keel bone so clearly whenever I hold her.

When I arise in the morning (after I have forced myself to leave the bed), I don my clothing, let Kashi outside, and retrieve Fancy from her cage. She perches on my shoulder while I eat and finish getting ready. Then I put her back in the cage, whisper sweet nothings into Kashi's ear, and leave my babies at home. When I return from work, Kashi goes back outside and Fancy perches on my shoulder again.

My evenings are spent reassuring either Kashi or Fancy that he/she is loved and cherished. Sometimes Fancy falls asleep on my chest, tucked up beneath my chin. Kashi will sleep at my feet to re-assert his claim to top pet in the household. Sometimes Fancy hangs out on my knee or foot as I stretch out on the couch, preening herself from wingtip to toe. But, sadly, sometimes she merely huddles and shakes and assumes the most pitiful affect imaginable.

I do not know if getting another bird is best for her, because she has reverted to treating me like her flock once more. I just don't know if being alone all day is what is keeping her from being able to get back to her normal fighting form. Is she merely taking a while to gain her weight back or is her heart breaking most of the day?

I wish I knew...

~~~~
NOTE: Kashi does not like me to sweep anything, either with a broom or with my hand. He will attack both in protest. Fancy, it turns out, vehemently protests when I brush my hair. She scolds me most energetically, pecking at the back of my hand in between her tirades.

Neither of my pets understand that I am the one in charge.

SIGH

You know the adage "anticipation is half the fun"? How true is that in your life? I, for one, have most often found that the anticipation is nearly all the "fun"--all because what I anticipated never quite realized into what I had envisioned.

That is until now.

I have kept meaning to write of my culinary joy. For months I have meant to set down on the screen how I feel about my new knife. You see, for a couple of years, I have wanted a santoku knife. For many years now, I have been working on establishing a knife collection ever since my brother gifted me with a set of Henckles steak knives. I then got a tomato knife and a boning knife. Next came a butcher's block for storage. I had thought that my favorite "knife" was going to be my kitchen shears (they fit so perfectly in a small spot in the center of the block), but I was wrong...so wrong.

I was down to two slots left. One is for a cleaver and one was the size of a chef's knive. I knew what I wanted there. I wanted the santoku. It is ubiquitous on cooking shows and always seems to be a very effective tool for the on-screen chef. The way their hand could curl around the handle and be supported off the surface of the cutting board was so compelling to watch. The santoku comes with a straight surface or one with little divots that make whatever you are cutting just fall off the knife quite beautifully. I am not sure if I would ever use a cleaver (though I still want one to finish up my collection), but I just knew that I would use that santoku.

I told myself that if I were to ever get a job, that the knife would be my celebration gift, even though after 13 months I had absolutely no business spending money on anything that was not absolutely necessary. Still... I really wanted that knife.

Well, in the nearly six months I have had my beloved knife, I have never ceased to marvel at how much having it actually exceeded my expectations and anticipation. Holding it is ever so comfortably. Chopping is a breeze. What more could you want? Well, I must add that I even feel a bit empowered when I am using it to prepare my food.

Seriously, now, I truly think that if you cook at all and do not have one you should pop out and fetch one post haste. Just don't forget to check for the divots!

B's grandmother was laid to rest today. She is now with Jesus.

I saw her at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. She was lively and loving and asked after my trip from Virginia. I could not know then that 13 days later she would be dead. If nothing else, her death is a reminder to cherish the time you have with those you love.

I won't even pretend to say that I knew her. But I do know of her son. And I know her granddaughter. While I was visiting both holidays, I saw her son care for her in a loving and diligent manner, much as he has done for his family. For over a decade, I have been the recipient of her legacy in the loving gift that is B's friendship.

B's grandmother had a beautiful and enduring footstep on this world. She walked with Christ. She cared for those around her. May she now rest in His arms.

My 'Boys did not show up for the game. Sadness abounds...

W was married today! For a very long time I have thought she would make someone a good wife, a true and loving partner. God thought so, too.

There was a time, a while ago, when W was deeply hurt by some fellow Christians and circumstances she could not understand. She wrapped herself in darkness and embraced every brimstone, fire, and damnation verse of the bible. She could see no good in the path God chose for her. Yet, she walked by faith, even if her steps were a bit hesitant at times.

His ways are not our ways. His timing is not often as we would choose ourselves. But both are always for the good. Always!

I praise God that He brought W and J before Him this day in a union that will honor Him, a union that will certainly be a witness and testimony of the grace of His Son Jesus Christ.

It was a crazy busy day with another mailing to wrap up before the post office closed at 9:00 this evening. It was a day filled with hasty design and printing for a last minute item. It was a day marked by stuffing and sealing and labeling.

It was marked by another donation of luggage for the foster children so that they would not have to move from home to home in garbage bags.

It was marked by yet another last minute, near impossible task.

And it was marked by the first real opportunity to present and discuss my strategic vision and communications plan for the agency. For one whole hour, I was able to revel in analysis and planning and weighing how such strategic direction might benefit the agency. It was simply wonderful.

I had nary a spare moment for my lunch or a Dr. Pepper, but it did not matter. Then came the icing on the cake: my writing student came over for dinner and a movie (actually two of them).
It was great to see her and to hear a bit about college. After such a day, I just wanted to relax and savor the day. Doing so was far, far better with company.

Oh, yeah...I should note that she found the spinach stuffed pasta triangles tasty!

When I was with B, I learned that she could not easily recycle her paper board. Since I can, I flattened all that I could find and brought it back with me.

I swaggered a bit with her about my recycling efforts, even knowing that she composts. I wondered this morning if perhaps I had no ground to stand upon. You tell me...

Every other week, I put out a bin stuffed with recyclable materials: glass, plastic, aluminum, newspaper, cardboard, and paperboard. I have gotten to the point where I put out my trash can every 6 to 8 weeks. The time extended from 4-6 weeks because I started saving all my junk mail and paper to take to work since there is a big shredder there and the paper is recycled. So, where trash goes, I have about one kitchen-sized bag a week. Is that still too much? Should I have so much recyclables? The Gatorade I enjoy so much comes in big plastic bottles. Should I give it up? Should I be trying to reduce my recyclables?

But, I wonder if I am not doing enough. I do not throw out my scraps; they go down the disposal. Should I try to compost them? I do not have very many. Would it make a difference?

I teased B about how much she stuffs in her dishwasher. Frankly, I think it is too much for cleanliness. My dishwasher is a small one to fit in my microscopic kitchen. I do not always use it, since I pretty much use the same dishes again and again. But...should I be stuffing it more?

My quarterly water bill averages about $25. There is only me to shower. And, since I prefer to blanch myself while bathing which is hazardous to my health, those showers tend to be around 5 minutes. I do tend to wait until I have large loads of laundry before I set out to clean my clothes. But is that enough?

I use CFL bulbs, but B unplugs her appliances and electronics. I don't really do that. She also turns off lights when she leaves the room and rarely uses her porch light. I leave my porch lights on all night. But then again, she has G. I am alone. I should do more.

I thought I was green enough to brag, but perhaps not. Are you?