I do not know exactly how to write how the past day has been for me, but I shall plow forth anyway.

Yesterday, B went home. I had hoped to have her two more days, a full week. However, her cold had arrived full force, and isn't your own bed the best place to be when you have taken ill? Despite her dripping nose and wracking cough, she did managed to finish playing through each of the games I had in my basket. She played games, and I let her go back to bed in the mornings for long naps. Each of us saying I love you.

I didn't protest (much) when she awoke from her nap around 1:00 to say that once E was up from hers she wanted to pack up her things and head on home. I helped her with the packing, so that the whole process was as easy as possible. When she was all ready, the four of us sat in a circle, Josh on my lap, all our hands entwined. I wanted to take one last opportunity to pray with her and for her. I cried, despite my desire not to, and E's small hand wiped the tears from my cheeks while I was still praying.

Watching her car drive down the road was oh so hard. Over and over I reminded myself to be thankful for the blessings of the visit. A couple of hours later, I got a message from someone who met a woman who actually lived in Appleton and highly recommended the location. I was feeling positive, buoyed by the day. And then the police arrived at my door.

The volume on my television goes up to sixty. I had it at twenty-four, six numbers below where B and I watched a movie just the night before. Yet my neighbor in the duplex attached to mine called the police. Even though the noise ordinance does not take effect until more than an hour later than when the police arrived, even though the television in on the outside wall rather than the common one, even though when standing outside on my stoop not a dozen feet from the television one couldn't hear a word or sound emanating from it, I was given a noise violation ticket.

The whole experience was unbelievable. The first police officer began by pounding on my door, rattling the windows, startling the birds into flight, and causing Kashi to bark more fiercely than I have ever heard him do so. From the first words from his mouth, the officer was aggressive and took my responses in a defensive manner. He said my television was too loud. He said I was in violation of the ordinance. When he read the hours, I looked at the clock in confusion. I asked if there was some sort of standard of measurement, decibels, megahertz, something. He said that if he determined it was too loud, then it was. I asked him to tell me then at what level would be acceptable, I asked him to help me. He said that it was not his place to do that. He said I now deserved a ticket instead of a warning. Another officer arrived and asked what the trouble was. I was back outside, wondering if this was really happening, so I explained that the other officer said my television was too loud. He responded that he couldn't hear anything. He stepped inside and repeated that it was not too loud. But after pressure from the other officer, he then remained silent. By that time, visions of police coming back again and again because I couldn't understand why my neighbor had called or why the policeman agreed with him or why the officer was so aggressive to me or how I could ever know I would be safe from this craziness...and I started crying. The first police officer grew angry at my tears while the other one was clearly uncomfortable and tried to assuage my despair somewhat when the first officer stepped back outside for a moment.

My neighbor, the son of the owner, moved in last Spring. He has not been very amiable from the get go. For example, he had taken to parking his car mere centimeters from mine and effectively blocking me in. Since I am not working, this is not as much as a problem as it could be. If he leaves, I dart out and move my car out of his way. If I have to leave, I am forced to ask him to move his car. He will just stand there, acting as if it is some great favor I am requesting, and then saunters out to his car to move it. He believes the area in front of his house is dangerous and parks in front of mine. Since the house was vacant for over two years, folks from a nearby condo took to parking in front of his house. So when his car is not there, they park in front of his house. He parks in front of mine when I am gone, and when I am home, he blocks me in.

When I am working in the yard and he sees me, he makes snide comments or stands and just stares at me. He drop his beer bottles over the fence, not even caring if I see him. This does not bother me, however, as much as the manner in which he bestows the freedom of my car.

After threatening me with arrest, the police officer backed off and left, left me owing way too much money to the state of Virginia and feeling as if I wasn't even safe in my own home. More so, I feel as if I just do not belong to the human race. I don't understand how in the world I could find myself standing before a police officer in my own home trembling from confusion and fear of him when I had done nothing wrong.

B was her. Not once did she complain about the volume of the television. I have listened to it louder. My neighbors have had parties with far more noise, including the odious man next door.

Nothing, absolutely nothing makes sense to me anymore.

No career. No job. No possibilities. Turning 40 with the world screaming at me that I am a feckless failure.