Happy B-Day W!

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Tonight's service was a vigil. The focus was on the life of God before the death of His son, the live displayed in the Old Testament to the New.

We read, in entirety, the seven passages below. This was a refreshing change from services I encounter most these days where scripture is almost an afterthought, a brief reading at the beginning, a few mentions in the sermon. This was a great opportunity to reflect upon what God has done for us from the beginning of time.

First Reading: The Creation (Genesis 1:1~2:2)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters. Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

Then God said, "Let there be an expanse in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." God made the expanse, and separated the waters which were below the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse; and it was so. God called the expanse heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

Then God said, "Let the waters below the heavens be gathered into one place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so. God called the dry land earth, and the gathering of the waters He called seas; and God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees on the earth bearing fruit after their kind with seed in them"; and it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with seed in them, after their kind; and God saw that it was good. There was evening and there was morning, a third day.

Then God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night, and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years; and let them be for lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth"; and it was so. God made the two great lights, the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night; He made the stars also. God placed them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, and to govern the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness; and God saw that it was good. There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

Then God said, "Let the waters teem with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of the heavens." God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarmed after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind; and God saw that it was good. God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." There was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth after their kind"; and it was so. God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Then God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you; and to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the sky and to every thing that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food"; and it was so. God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed, and all their hosts. By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.

Second Reading: The Flood (Genesis 7:1-5; 8:6-18; and 9:8-13)

Then the LORD said to Noah, "Enter the ark, you and all your household, for you alone I have seen to be righteous before Me in this time. "You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female; and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; also of the birds of the sky, by sevens, male and female, to keep offspring alive on the face of all the earth. "For after seven more days, I will send rain on the earth forty days and forty nights; and I will blot out from the face of the land every living thing that I have made." Noah did according to all that the LORD had commanded him.

In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day all the fountains of the great deep burst open, and the floodgates of the sky were opened. The rain fell upon the earth for forty days and forty nights.

On the very same day Noah and Shem and Ham and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife and the three wives of his sons with them, entered the ark, they and every beast after its kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, all sorts of birds. So they went into the ark to Noah, by twos of all flesh in which was the breath of life. Those that entered, male and female of all flesh, entered as God had commanded him; and the LORD closed it behind him. Then the flood came upon the earth for forty days, and the water increased and lifted up the ark, so that it rose above the earth. The water prevailed and increased greatly upon the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water.

Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made; and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land; but the dove found no resting place for the sole of her foot, so she returned to him into the ark, for the water was on the surface of all the earth. Then he put out his hand and took her, and brought her into the ark to himself. So he waited yet another seven days; and again he sent out the dove from the ark. The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again.

Now it came about in the six hundred and first year, in the first month, on the first of the month, the water was dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and behold, the surface of the ground was dried up. In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth was dry. Then God spoke to Noah, saying, "Go out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and your sons' wives with you. "Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you, birds and animals and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, that they may breed abundantly on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth." So Noah went out, and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives with him.

Then God spoke to Noah and to his sons with him, saying, "Now behold, I Myself do establish My covenant with you, and with your descendants after you; and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the cattle, and every beast of the earth with you; of all that comes out of the ark, even every beast of the earth. I establish My covenant with you; and all flesh shall never again be cut off by the water of the flood, neither shall there again be a flood to destroy the earth." God said, "This is the sign of the covenant which I am making between Me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all successive generations; I set My bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a sign of a covenant between Me and the earth.”

Third Reading: The Testing of Abraham (Genesis 22:1-18)

Now it came about after these things, that God tested Abraham, and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am." He said, "Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you." So Abraham rose early in the morning and saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him and Isaac his son; and he split wood for the burnt offering, and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. On the third day Abraham raised his eyes and saw the place from a distance. Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey, and I and the lad will go over there; and we will worship and return to you." Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son, and he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So the two of them walked on together. Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, "My father!" And he said, "Here I am, my son." And he said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." So the two of them walked on together.

Then they came to the place of which God had told him; and Abraham built the altar there and arranged the wood, and bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Abraham stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am. "He said, "Do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me." Then Abraham raised his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns; and Abraham went and took the ram and offered him up for a burnt offering in the place of his son. Abraham called the name of that place The LORD Will Provide, as it is said to this day, "In the mount of the LORD it will be provided. "Then the angel of the LORD called to Abraham a second time from heaven, and said, "By Myself I have sworn, declares the LORD, because you have done this thing and have not withheld your son, your only son, indeed I will greatly bless you, and I will greatly multiply your seed as the stars of the heavens and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your seed shall possess the gate of their enemies. "In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice."

Fourth Reading: Israel's Deliverance at the Read Sea (Exodus 14:10~15:1)

As Pharaoh drew near, the sons of Israel looked, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they became very frightened; so the sons of Israel cried out to the LORD. Then they said to Moses, "Is it because there were no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? Why have you dealt with us in this way, bringing us out of Egypt? "Is this not the word that we spoke to you in Egypt, saying, 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness."

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. (The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the sons of Israel to go forward. "As for you, lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, and the sons of Israel shall go through the midst of the sea on dry land. "As for Me, behold, I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them; and I will be honored through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. "Then the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD, when I am honored through Pharaoh, through his chariots and his horsemen. "The angel of God, who had been going before the camp of Israel, moved and went behind them; and the pillar of cloud moved from before them and stood behind them. So it came between the camp of Egypt and the camp of Israel; and there was the cloud along with the darkness, yet it gave light at night. Thus the one did not come near the other all night.

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD swept the sea back by a strong east wind all night and turned the sea into dry land, so the waters were divided. The sons of Israel went through the midst of the sea on the dry land, and the waters were like a wall to them on their right hand and on their left. Then the Egyptians took up the pursuit, and all Pharaoh's horses, his chariots and his horsemen went in after them into the midst of the sea. At the morning watch, the LORD looked down on the army of the Egyptians through the pillar of fire and cloud and brought the army of the Egyptians into confusion. He caused their chariot wheels to swerve, and He made them drive with difficulty; so the Egyptians said, "Let us flee from Israel, for the LORD is fighting for them against the Egyptians."

Then the LORD said to Moses, " Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may come back over the Egyptians, over their chariots and their horsemen." So Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the sea returned to its normal state at daybreak, while the Egyptians were fleeing right into it; then the LORD overthrew the Egyptians in the midst of the sea. The waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen, even Pharaoh's entire army that had gone into the sea after them; not even one of them remained. But the sons of Israel walked on dry land through the midst of the sea, and the waters were like a wall to them on their right hand and on their left. Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the hand of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians dead on the seashore. When Israel saw the great power which the LORD had used against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD, and they believed in the LORD and in His servant Moses.

Then Moses and the sons of Israel sang this song to the LORD, and said,
I will sing to the LORD, for He is highly exalted;
The horse and its rider He has hurled into the sea.

Fifth Reading: Salvation Offered Freely to All (Isaiah 55:1-11)

"Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy and eat
Come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without cost.
"Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.
"Incline your ear and come to Me
Listen, that you may live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
According to the faithful mercies shown to David.
"Behold, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
A leader and commander for the peoples.
"Behold, you will call a nation you do not know,
And a nation which knows you not will run to you,
Because of the LORD your God, even the Holy One of Israel;
For He has glorified you."
Seek the LORD while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Sixth Reading: Jonah Preaches to Nineveh (Jonah 3:1-10)

Now the word of the LORD came to Jonah the second time, saying, "Arise, go to Nineveh the great city and proclaim to it the proclamation which I am going to tell you." So Jonah arose and went to Nineveh according to the word of the LORD. Now Nineveh was an exceedingly great city, a three days' walk. Then Jonah began to go through the city one day's walk; and he cried out and said, "Yet forty days and Nineveh will be overthrown."

Then the people of Nineveh believed in God; and they called a fast and put on sackcloth from the greatest to the least of them. When the word reached the king of Nineveh, he arose from his throne, laid aside his robe from him, covered himself with sackcloth and sat on the ashes. He issued a proclamation and it said, "In Nineveh by the decree of the king and his nobles: Do not let man, beast, herd, or flock taste a thing. Do not let them eat or drink water. "But both man and beast must be covered with sackcloth; and let men call on God earnestly that each may turn from his wicked way and from the violence which is in his hands. "Who knows, God may turn and relent and withdraw His burning anger so that we will not perish."

When God saw their deeds, that they turned from their wicked way, then God relented concerning the calamity which He had declared He would bring upon them. And He did not do it.

The Seventh Reading: The Fiery Furnace (Daniel 3:1-30)

Nebuchadnezzar the king made an image of gold, the height of which was sixty cubits and its width six cubits; he set it up on the plain of Dura in the province of Babylon. Then Nebuchadnezzar the king sent word to assemble the satraps, the prefects and the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the judges, the magistrates and all the rulers of the provinces to come to the dedication of the image that Nebuchadnezzar the king had set up. Then the satraps, the prefects and the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the judges, the magistrates and all the rulers of the provinces were assembled for the dedication of the image that Nebuchadnezzar the king had set up; and they stood before the image that Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Then the herald loudly proclaimed: "To you the command is given, O peoples, nations and men of every language, that at the moment you hear the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery, bagpipe and all kinds of music, you are to fall down and worship the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king has set up. "But whoever does not fall down and worship shall immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire." Therefore at that time, when all the peoples heard the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery, bagpipe and all kinds of music, all the peoples, nations and men of every language fell down and worshiped the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king had set up.

For this reason at that time certain Chaldeans came forward and brought charges against the Jews. They responded and said to Nebuchadnezzar the king: "O king, live forever! "You, O king, have made a decree that every man who hears the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery, and bagpipe and all kinds of music, is to fall down and worship the golden image. "But whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire. "There are certain Jews whom you have appointed over the administration of the province of Babylon, namely Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. These men, O king, have disregarded you; they do not serve your gods or worship the golden image which you have set up."

Then Nebuchadnezzar in rage and anger gave orders to bring Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego; then these men were brought before the king. Nebuchadnezzar responded and said to them, "Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the golden image that I have set up? "Now if you are ready, at the moment you hear the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery and bagpipe and all kinds of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, very well But if you do not worship, you will immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire; and what god is there who can deliver you out of my hands?" Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. "But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with wrath, and his facial expression was altered toward Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. He answered by giving orders to heat the furnace seven times more than it was usually heated. He commanded certain valiant warriors who were in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego in order to cast them into the furnace of blazing fire. Then these men were tied up in their trousers, their coats, their caps and their other clothes, and were cast into the midst of the furnace of blazing fire. For this reason, because the king's command was urgent and the furnace had been made extremely hot, the flame of the fire slew those men who carried up Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. But these three men, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, fell into the midst of the furnace of blazing fire still tied up.

Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astounded and stood up in haste; he said to his high officials, "Was it not three men we cast bound into the midst of the fire?" They replied to the king, "Certainly, O king." He said, "Look! I see four men loosed and walking about in the midst of the fire without harm, and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods!" Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the furnace of blazing fire; he responded and said, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, come out, you servants of the Most High God, and come here!" Then Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego came out of the midst of the fire. The satraps, the prefects, the governors and the king's high officials gathered around and saw in regard to these men that the fire had no effect on the bodies of these men nor was the hair of their head singed, nor were their trousers damaged, nor had the smell of fire even come upon them.

Nebuchadnezzar responded and said, "Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, who has sent His angel and delivered His servants who put their trust in Him, violating the king's command, and yielded up their bodies so as not to serve or worship any god except their own God. "Therefore I make a decree that any people, nation or tongue that speaks anything offensive against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego shall be torn limb from limb and their houses reduced to a rubbish heap, inasmuch as there is no other god who is able to deliver in this way." Then the king caused Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego to prosper in the province of Babylon.

We finished with a service of baptismal remembrance, with a corporate confession of what we renounce and what we believe, a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer, and a final reading from the Gospel of Mark, 16:1-8

When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, bought spices, so that they might come and anoint Him. Very early on the first day of the week, they came to the tomb when the sun had risen. They were saying to one another, "Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?" Looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled away, although it was extremely large. Entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting at the right, wearing a white robe; and they were amazed. And he said to them, "Do not be amazed; you are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who has been crucified He has risen; He is not here; behold, here is the place where they laid Him. "But go, tell His disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see Him, just as He told you.'" They went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had gripped them; and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

Selah

I was talking with a friend this evening about how much she doesn't like to celebrate Easter...really any holiday.

It is not that the celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is not important to her, but really, we ought to be celebrating that each and every day, right?

The big dinner and lots of people is what she eschews. Since her mother's death ten years ago, she is not interested in those family holidays. They are a stark reminder of what she has lost. Grief is a harsh companion at times for her. I don't really blame her and completely understand.

Her husband and his family do not.

Before she married him, she told him how she felt. He said it did not matter, but yet the week leading up to every holiday--seven years into the marriage--is filled with phone calls, emails, and texts about plans. Plans for what she is going to cook, what she wants to do, who is coming. Every holiday. Every year.

Years ago...MANY years ago...I saw a Mork and Mindy episode when Mork was asking Mindy why people were so mean. She replied that it is easier to make fun of that which is different from you than to try to understand it. She said this was particularly so with people. But she told Mork that different was only different, not better or worse.

She could have added that not only do you get made fun of for being different, you also are more likely to spend your life with people trying to make you like what they think you should be--usually more like them. Instead of allowing my friend to spend her holidays in silent reflection, her family forces her to do something she hates or punishes her if she dares to try to abstain from the celebration. How is that love?

It seems as if only in Hollywood or in books is a person allowed to be different and actually accepted--sometimes even celebrated--for who he/she is.

Unfortunately, judgment of difference extends to so very many areas in our society, even church.

Earlier this evening I attended a darkness service, which was a first for me. The service focuses on the suffering of Christ and the last seven things He said. It was filled with scripture reading, hymns, prayers, meditations, and extinguishing of candles. Yes, extinguishing, not lighting. One for each "word" of Christ. As we read and prayed and sang, the lighting in the room was lowered as well. The whole liturgical service was practically drenched in symbolism.

I joke with Pastor D that I need another degree to follow the liturgical services he leads. He always returns with a quip about providing a tutor any time I want. Yet, until I met him, I never realized that it is actually possible to worship through liturgy, that speaking and chanting and praying corporately can have great value in one's faith.

I know someone who would never step foot in Pastor's D's church specifically because of his use of liturgy. I keep thinking of what he would miss.

Now, I am not much drawn to churches that use the speaking of tongues or dance, but I have attended them when the offer arose. I also am very much not interested in churches with bands. Primarily this is because the loud music hurts my ears. Years ago, I spent a whole Degarmo and Key concert in the lobby waiting for the rest of my church group. I couldn't understand a word that was being said and my sternum was vibrating in time with the bass, so I retreated to a quieter place until it was over. This was before MS. Now, I cannot stand to be in a car with the windows down when wind buffets and vibrates. I have a "moon" roof that I cannot open because of how much it disturbs my ears. Yet, physical issues aside, I do know that many worship through rock in a way I do not.

I do wonder if, perhaps, sometimes the rock becomes the focus instead of the words, but who am I to judge that? What I do "judge" is whether or not the bible is the source of knowledge, if Christ is the focus of worship, and if the church is mission-minded and prayer-filled.

But, then again, I have spent so little time in church over the past few years. I have been going to bible study, sometimes twice a week, but not church. I am tired and hurt more in the mornings. By the weekends, I just want to fill up on enough rest to make it through the week. I know not really finding a church home since I moved here plays a large part in my dearth of attendances, but were I less tired, I would probably be dragging myself to Pastor D's church on Sundays.

I am not a Lutheran. I do not really understand closed communion. I stumble and fumble and bumble through set liturgy. Yet I crave and savor the worship that takes place within the walls of his church...be it in a building or in someone's house or even in a laundry mat.

Of course, it should be noted that this diatribe on celebrating difference comes from someone who decidedly does not fit any definition of normal. I would just challenge you to consider your response next time you encounter a family member, friend, or stranger who does not fit into the mold you created for them...

I thought I should admit that I got an answer from the physical therapy. It just wasn't one I wanted.

After far too many of the torture sessions, I stopped going once the original therapist I was seeing left for another clinic. I was planning to try another therapist, but then all the bills were rejected by the insurance company. I was overwhelmed by the total sum wanted by the clinic and the rounds of phone calls with the insurance company. It admitted that I did indeed go to a clinic that was on a list of authorized facilities, but still the bills were not resolved...nor have them been to date.

I stopped primarily because I am absolutely convinced that traction was the worst option for me. It made my back far worse and the time I spent in the machine was so painful I could barely keep from crying out. I have a very high threshold for pain. Trust me, it was bad.

MS pain is varied and oft strange. For example, one type of pain is called girth pain. It is a pressure pain, as if a band is being squeezed about the part of you that is hurting. If you don't understand the pain, I just don't think you can treat it properly.

But I must acknowledge that it was the therapist who discovered that my abdominal muscles were absolutely "quiet." That is to say they just were not working, affecting my back and my legs.

Although I quit the therapy, I did not cease the abdominal exercises the therapist laid out for me save for the week in March when I was off from work and ended up sleeping round the clock much of the time. She even taught me some exercises I can do in bed.

I hate them. They hurt. I already hurt every day. Why in the world would I continue something that hurts as well?

I do because she was right in that if my abdominal muscles could work even some better, my back would be better. I can sit longer without pain. I can stand longer without pain. I still grow tired equally quickly, but the pain in my lower back does not.

Exercising is horrible because of the muscular weakness. I start trembling immediately. I go to failure after just a few repetitions. Breathing becomes difficult. I get dizzy with all that movement. Exercising my stomach muscles makes my back seize up in excruciating pain after a while. Strange, the latter. But I can sit and stand longer without pain. I can and that is enough to keep me trying....

Fancy is making progress, but it sometimes feels like she takes one step backward for every two forward.

She is grumpy and clingy and not very happy. She eats constantly, but is still underweight. Her feathers are growing in, but that is part of the problem. Metabolically, that is. Birds regularly molt, but not nearly a whole wing all at once.

I wonder if it is like teething because her wing seems to be hurting her again. We started back the pain medication, but getting it down her beak is rather stressful to Fancy. She just doesn't seem to understand I am trying to help her.

The silly bird has also not gotten it through her thick head that she can no longer fly. So, she regularly falls off the cage. I have added to the pile of blankets, towels, and coats because Fancy invariably landed in a place that had a thin covering. Twice she has bled again, but I hope we are past that now that sufficient padding is in place.

Nearly three weeks have passed and yet we have such a long way to go before she is healthy. I keep trying to figure out how long I have had her. At least six years, but I think eight. In any case, it has been a long while her being my good companion. I don't want to lose her.

~~~~
NOTE: Kashi believes the piles of cloth are for him and has taken great pleasure in making beds beneath the cage. He makes them. I unmake them. He makes them again. A tenacious dog he is!

For someone who is extremely sensitive to heat, I apparently cannot tolerate cold either. Well, let me rephrase that. I cannot tolerate cold in my house when it is also cold outside.

We have had roller coaster weather of late. Near freezing. Near sweltering. Near freezing.

What I have discovered is that if it 68 in my house and it is cold outside, I grow so chilled that my hands and feet and nose turn icy cold and I shiver deep within. Just about anyone who knows me would be in disbelief if they walked into my house right now. The thermostat is set at 78, and I wouldn't mind a few more degrees of heat. I am trying to restrain myself.

Funny that a person who panics when the thermostat reaches 72 in fear of the shakes, weakness, and cognitive dysfunction that will surely follow should the temperature raise any higher is actually ROASTING herself in the house these days.

Now, when it was sweltering outside yesterday, it was all I could do not to switch on the air-conditioning. I was trying to avoid doing so for the cold front that was due back here starting today. Seriously, we a have freeze warning tonight. What temperature did my thermostat read that gave rise to that cooling impetus? 72 degrees!

So, 72 in cold weather is too cold and 72 in warm weather is too warm...

Do you think my own internal thermostat is broken?

Sugarland won ACM's Duo of the Year award Woo Hoo! And, of course, they had the best performance of the evening.

Jeff Gordon snapped his rather long losing streak in the Texas NASCAR race.

Fancy has 18 feathers (that I can count) growing in on her injured wing.

Kashi has stopped chewing on his foot.

I prepared a new dish, chicken stuffed with fresh mozzarella cheese and sauted with herbs de Provence, with roasted yukon potatoes on the side.

A day of good things...

My brother rejected the joint ownership agreement I sent him to resolve the matter of the house that I sent him a month ago. I threw-up reading his email. I guess because I know it means that my only recourse is to file a lawsuit at the sale, if I can get him to agree to an offer. My own stupidity at not realizing what having him and my father on the title really meant is growing daily. I wish I were uncaring enough to just walk away from the house. There is no equity in it right now, but I know that eventually the market here will recover. I also know that I am the one who would be ultimately punished for such an action since the bank would go after me and my credit would take the hit. I cannot even begin to write, to say, how incredibly foolish and ashamed I feel over this whole matter.

Yesterday morning, we had a birthday celebration at work first thing in the morning. The announcement said it would be a breakfast, so I skipped mine and came to work rather hungry.

The options were yogurt with ingredients I am allergic to, donuts, and cake. I had two donuts, a bit of icing from a friend's plate, and a Dr. Pepper.

I have ignored the whole diabetes question because 1) I don't wish to even think about the possibility and 2) my doctor left the country without ever really following up on the matter. However, I think, perhaps, that was not the best course of action.

I felt so horrible from the morning sugar fest that I couldn't think straight. My boss plied me with protein and lots of water until I felt better and made sure I got home safely. I ate vegetables and protein and salad for dinner last night and downed more water. I still feel strange today.

For example, I had milk and low-fat yogurt for breakfast and a burrito and water for lunch and then felt as if I had not eaten just two hours later. I was trembling and weak and hollow.

I ate chicken and salad tonight for dinner tonight and am hoping if I avoid sugar for a short while longer (I greatly miss Dr. Pepper) and keep focusing on protein and salads and vegetables, then I can past whatever I triggered by my sugar fest.

It is with great sadness that I feel as if Krispy Kreme should never again be part of my diet!

I had a remembering victory today:

I have been working on a shopping list since I returned home from the cabin. To help me remember what I need, I placed a sticky note on the bathroom mirror and put a pencil in one of the toothbrush slots. As I get ready in the mornings for work or prepare for bed at night, I added items that I need.

As Cousin D put it, I was not even a couch potato last week. I was a spud. So, I had no desire to get dressed enough to venture outside to the store. Hence, the intense commitment to creating the list.

Of course, the value in a carefully crafted list is actually taking the list to the store with you. I forgot it. However, I managed to purchase all but two items that I had written down. In addition to that cognitive feat, I actually managed to remember to get a food cover for the microwave!

When Bettina was here over New Year's Eve, a few things were broken/ruined. That was one of them. [Note: It is not a healthy practice (pun intended) to cook microwave popcorn on top of plastic.] I have very much needed that cover many a time since then, but could not remember to purchase one the 1,001 times I have been in Target since the beginning of the year.

Today, one found its way into my shopping cart and came home to reside in my microwave and I didn't even have to chant "microwave food cover, microwave food cover" the whole time I was in the store.

A genuine victory!

Bettina's husband's step-father passed away yesterday. I cannot fathom how his mother is doing, having watched his battle with breathing for a long time now. I imagine that it is difficult, having been brave enough to love and trust again after being divorced, to lose her spouse, when they still had a so very much living to do.

My thoughts and prays are with you and your mother, G. May God's grace and peace sustain you both.

What a great way to start the day! The people of Fargo are the epitome of a neighbor!

If you want to be inspired, read this article about how the people of Fargo have been taking care of each other, opening their hearth and home to friends and strangers alike. A home saved is opened to occupants of one flooded. Strangers bring quilts and a glucose meter to a couple who lost their home in a fire because the rising waters kept the trucks from reaching their home. The emergency shelters are barely needed because of the overwhelming response of those who wanted to help.

A winter storm blanketed the city last night, threatening the already taxed dikes. But the warmth of Fargo was not dimmed a bit!

When push comes to shove, you discover the character of a person...and the heart of a town.

This afternoon, I received a phone call from the doctor who treated me in the ER last Sunday night to talk about some blood work that had come back. I knew why she was calling even before she dialed my number. I figured it out last night.

About 10 days before my next menstruation cycle, I can find myself awash in an emotional storm. Sometimes, it is merely a category 3, other times it is a tsunami.

I wish I could blame the MS, but I am sure that a neurological disease has little to do with hormones. My balance is fine otherwise, but not then. Never then. At least not for the past few years. Sometimes I wonder if menopause might actually be a relief for me.

I have tried different medications, but the problem is not a constant one, not even every month. I do have a short-term prescription that provides a little "distance" that I can take, but I have to remember to take it. Unfortunately, remembering is frankly not possible while battling the tidal waves of emotion. It is all I can do to keep breathing.

I have alarms in my cell phone for practically everything these days, but I cannot figure out a way to make it ask me if I need a chill pill. Not when my cycle refuses to follow a set schedule. Over the years, I have asked, well...actually begged, my friends to ask me if it could be that time of the month were they to see me in an emotional storm. However, they are not good at remembering either. Perhaps I should get signs made to hang up around my home?

When I realize what is happening, the utter relief at knowing I am not crazy is nearly tangible. Then comes the resolve to somehow recognize it the next time.

I figured out last night what the week before was all about, which gave me pause. While the depth of my anguish was fueled by sky-high hormones, the underlying hurt remained the same. I had wanted a safe haven and to be understood, accepted even if what I wanted didn't make sense to my friend. I thought that was not too much to ask. Apparently it was.

At one point, her husband asked me why I didn't want to meet their friends. It was all I could do not to burst into tears at that moment. I wanted to retort what in the world made them think I would want to? I am tired all the time, and was even more so with all the work I've been doing. I hurt all the time. All the time. I struggle with my vision. I struggle with cognitive processes. I struggle with word. I thought they could see me. I guess I was wrong.

I keep thinking back to my parents visit last August. I hobbled in agony for over an hour trying to keep up with my mother at the National Aquarium. Her only response was obvious impatience that she had to keep waiting for me. I hid in the shade on a stone bench at the National Arboretum while both my parents walked around. Neither of them gave a thought about the heat and its affect on me.

What do I want more than anything in this life? A place to belong. A place where I am known and understood and accepted as is. I want the bar in "Cheers." I want the friends in "My Boys" on TNT and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time books.

What was difficult to also face is the reality that I tried to buy that place, especially in recent months, practically beggaring the rest of 2009 in the process. I guess I thought if I were the friend of great gifts, who shared much, then I would be the friend who was welcome no matter what. I was wrong about that.

I saw T's face when I had an asthma attack in her presence for the first time. She was frightened and worried. Bettina just goes on with whatever she is doing. To be honest, both reactions are hard to take. I want support, but I don't want to hurt someone in the process. I know traveling with my pets is work. I know the constant asthma attacks are a drain. I know my preference for hanging out at home is not the most engaging time. I know this. I just wish that I had someone for whom it was completely and absolutely okay.

Because I had to work some last week, my boss suggested I take today off as well. I accepted with alacrity. That makes for a short week. Surely, I have slept enough in the past eight days to make up for the trying times of the past month!

Do you know what the greatest gift God has given us beyond the sacrifice of His Son? Sunrise. Each day is a new beginning. A fresh start. Hope for a different future.

Tiger Wood won! Yeah!

By the way...golf in HD is mighty fine television!

From the Sober Peasant:

Many people are aware that President Obama is in the process of rescinding a regulation from late in the Bush administration allowing health-care workers to refuse to provide "services" (read: abortion) based on moral objections.

What many do not realize is that the required public comment phase began March 10 and ends April 9. It is also very difficult to find the link to provide such comment. Click here for the link and let your voice be heard! Tell our current administration that it is wrong to force people to act against conscience. And please pass this along, that many folks may express their concern with this proposed change.

I have spent much of this day in prayer for the folks living along the Red River, especially those in Fargo, Bismark, and Moorhead. Can you imagine frantically bagging sand to save your city and having to worry about the sand bags freezing before you can get them placed? Rock-hard sand does not make a tight dike.

In Fargo, you have a whole city and something on the order of 1,700 National Guardsmen working together to beat back a predicted flood stage higher than has been seen since 1897. May their valiant efforts be not in vain.

It makes me wonder how the folks of Cedar Rapids and all those living along the Iowa, Cedar, and Mississippi rivers who saw their livelihoods destroyed--and for some their towns wiped off the map--last summer are doing...

The current economic crisis has blanketed the news and our daily existence for months, causing us to forget about the hundreds of thousands of Americans who are still trying to put the pieces of their lives back together. I suppose those flood victims are keeping a keen eye on North Dakota and Minnesota and praying that the flood threat there does not portent a heartbreaking spring and summer for a Midwest region that has to be rather weary of disaster.

A bit more work today means that we have both control of the domain AND the website files. Now I just have to wait for the DNS servers across the Internet to update the new location of the website. Perhaps tomorrow this transition will be done! Of course, once Contribute has been added to the site, I will need to make some updates to it...

Today, I filed the paperwork that has been sitting on my steps for months, reconciled my bank account, paid my bills for the month of April, worked on transferring my underlined verses to my new bible, nebulized, and watched Fancy sleep.

My boss suggested that I take another day on Monday since I have some each day this week. I suppose I shall not be adverse to that plan. I could wish I were accomplishing more being home, but at least I have been sleeping until mid-afternoon each day. Perhaps that should be enough for me. I do need to start transitioning to getting up a bit earlier each day so that by Tuesday going to work will not be so difficult.

I couldn't bring myself to unpack that last bag of games and DVDs, so it is still sitting on the floor by the table...sort of tucked out of sight.

I did empty the dishwasher, fill the bird feeders, and watch Fancy sleep some more.

And, of course, I ended up working some since the wretched host of one of our websites pulled the site down yesterday. We had been trying to get control of the domain and are planning to switch to another host once he had uploaded our files to the new host. Once we were awarded the domain from the registrant, he pulled the files. He will not upload them without a "consulting" fee that has tripled since we first asked him to do this a month ago. SIGH.

I tried to negotiate with him to put the site back up while he waits for our check for his "consulting" invoice and then offered to give him my credit card to just pay the thing and finish off with him. Apparently, my credit card is fine for his hosting fee, but not for his "consulting" fee. So there was much shenanigans on my part to try and get a check processed and overnighted to him. DOUBLE SIGH.


~~~~
Bettina's daughter E slept with me at the cabin on Saturday night and awoke before her parents did and long before I wished her to do so. At my house, I had an alarm clock she could watch to wait for the time she could officially "awake."

Before I started really coughing and woke officially myself, she tried to be quiet by whispering her chatter instead of speaking normally. I might have been able to ignore it had she not been directing her observations and queries directly toward me, rather helpfully repeating them if she heard no grunting response.

The night before, I had taken down the railing and moved her to the side of the bed by the wall because I just knew that the during the night I would knock the whole thing down while trying to climb over her to visit the necessity. When I suggested that she check to see if her parent were awake, she tried very carefully to get out of the bed without climbing over me. On her second trip, I suggested she just go ahead and step on me.

Each time she stepped on my arm or leg or stomach, she would whisper her apology before making her next move. One trip to the bathroom. One trip for books. Two trips to check on her parents. Perhaps the laughter I tried to stifle at her kind attention to my feelings about being mashed was the reason I had an asthma attack!

I have unpacked my bags now and have just the games and DVDs to put away. Perhaps tomorrow.

I vacuumed the rug, loaded the dishwasher, nebulized, and watched Fancy sleep on my shoulder.

Trust me, dosing a bird with medicine does not get easier with each attempt.

I am sitting on the couch, doing my fourth nebulizer treatment today, instead of playing games with Bettina at her cabin. I am here because I left. I left because I felt I had no other choice. Yet I know I made a decision my dearest friend didn't understand...which made my departure all the worse for me.

I had the best plan. I would take off an extra day and spend last Monday through Thursday packing a bit at a time each evening and then leave early on Friday morning so that the leave-taking was not too difficult. One of those tasks was to put the birds in the spare cage I planned to take with me to the cabin and then leave it at Bettina's house to make future visits easier. It was only one of those tasks that did not happen because I worked 42 hours between Monday and Thursday. No evening packing. No evening planning. No "new" cage practicing.

By Thursday evening, I was convinced that I was too tired to go to the cabin. It would be too much work, too difficult. I was overwhelmed by all that needed doing and was actually dreading the visit. I had spent the night before waiting for Bettina to call me, but she did not. So, when she told me Thursday evening that she was going to have company at the cabin on Sunday, I just couldn't believe it. I told her that I didn't have the energy to being with company. I just wanted to hang out in my pajamas and play with the children and her. I then said that I could just leave the cabin for a while or stay in my room. After hanging up, I tried to start packing and only ended up crying at the thought of hiding in a room at her cabin and all that I had to do just to get there. I called Bettina back and told her I just need to give up the visit.

Friday, I slept until 3:17 PM. I couldn't really picture a whole week off at home and was wondering what I was doing when I read a letter Bettina had sent me. She wrote out the entire book of Philippians for me, weaving in my name and things that we had done together. I was overwhelmed by the gift of Scripture and called her and asked what she thought about my still coming.

She had already decided to go to the cabin with her family, so she changed her plans again and waited for me to get to her home while her husband took the children on up to the cabin. We ate pizza and watched a DVD and made it around 11:30, I think.

But the next morning Fancy fell in the cage and her her wing. She was bleeding and ultimately lost 32 feathers, two thirds of her entire wing. All that is left is this stubby thing that still has a few feathers twisted in the wrong direction. I was horrified. If you remember, Madison was injured when I stayed with Bettina and her family a year ago Thanksgiving. I didn't want to lose another bird in an horrible accident.

We played some games and watched some DVDs and cooked a tasty meal and I napped. Yet I also hear three things that hurt. Bettina would say I took them personally, when I shouldn't, but I heard that my conversation with her husband was boring, that staying up late playing games was ridiculous, and that reading the bible with me would be like placating a whim. I went to bed hurt.

Sunday, I awoke with an asthma attack that frightened me. My oximeter was blinking because the batteries were running low, but it still read 84 at the height of my attack. The shaking from the medicine was worse because I had not eaten.

The night before, I had learned that Bettina and her family were going to church the next morning. We hadn't gone last year so I thought her company was just coming for lunch. She and her husband stopped by a store on the way to get me batteries, chloroseptic, and some toilet paper and she called to see if I wanted her to come back. I did. I wanted her to come desperately. I didn't want to be alone with my worry over Fancy and my fear that comes when I struggle to breath. I hate being alone in the ER. I've asked three different people if they would come and stay when I am there over the past year. All three said that they would. None of them came when I called. But I told Bettina that she should go on to church.

I got control of the attack, but not before my chest was sore and my body was trembling from the Epipen, a round of inhalers, and two nebulizer treatments. I dozed some and then listened to Bettina and her company visit.

I thought they were just coming for lunch, but by 3:00 PM, I couldn't stand how I felt at being holed up in the room anymore and started packing. I wanted to take Fancy to the vet. I wanted to go home where I could be me and it would be okay.

I pretend at work every day. I pretend I do not hurt. I pretend that I feel well. I pretend I understand when I fighting confusion. I pretend that I am stronger than I am. I pretend that I can do things that I shouldn't. I pretend I do not mind being given the tasks of an assistant when I am supposed to be a communications manager. I pretend that I don't mind having every single thing I do being controlled and approved prior to, during, and after I finish it. I pretend that it doesn't bother me that my skills are not being used even as I watch them slipping away. I pretend. I pretend. I pretend. I pretend.

I have been working long hours because they are needed and I will not jeopardize my job. I cannot afford to be out of work. I absolutely cannot afford to not have health insurance. Yet it is so very difficult to work full-time with MS, and it feels as if working overtime is practically impossible...like clinging by my finger tips off the edge of a cliff. How long can I hang on before I fall?

I tried to see a neurologist for my vision problems and he refused to see me. I tried to chase down the asthma with the pulmonologist and was told my violent attacks were "half" asthma and half something else...GERD, allergies...a "learned" response. No GERD. No allergies. Does she really think I am doing this to myself? It is one thing to be diagnosed with cough variant asthma, it is a totally different thing all together to actually get treatment for it. No one understands the coughing part! I tried to make my back feel better with physical therapy, only to hurt more and wind up with nearly $5K in bills that the insurance company denied as "out-of-network" when the clinic was listed on its website. I tried. I tried. I tried.

I am tired all the time. I hurt all the time. My vision blurs all the time. I get confused all the time. I struggle with words, thought processes, and being oriented to time and place all the time. None of that is going to change. More likely, it is just going to get worse.

I spent last night in the ER, coughing and gasping and hoping that control would come soon so that I could get back to watching Fancy breathe. I spent last night in the ER feeling desperately lonely and reciting the few bible verses that have not yet slipped from my cheese-hole brain and wishing that I were anywhere else.

I spent this day alternating between nebulizer treatments and trying to unpack and taking Fancy to the vet. The good news is that the vet believes her wing is only sprained, not broken. If she can make it through the trauma of the injury, she can recover. The vet cleaned the wound from where her blood feathers were ripped out and put her on a painkiller and an antibiotic. I have a week's worth of two syringes that I need to poke down her beak once a day...somehow without stressing her further.

The blood loss, the feather loss, and the lack of appetite have combined to make Fancy 25 grams less than she was during her visit just a couple of weeks ago. I have to keep her weight up and her spirits up and get her to eat and she can get better. Unfortunately, it can take six months or more for her wing to fill out again. During that time, I will have to watch her closely because she will not be able to fly and could hurt herself more should she try to do so or fall off/become startled off the cage.

I asked to go to the cabin because I wanted a haven. Yet I had pet drama and health drama and felt so out-of-place, as if I didn't belong and wouldn't ever. Maybe as someone else, but not as me. Not as the person who just needed a hole to crawl into that happened to have a friend and games and DVDs and children and tasty meals and moss. A hole with no pressure to conform or perform or engage in the draining social contract of pretending that I am not who I am.

I wonder, by leaving, if I have lost more than just a week of vacation.

My old boss called me quite upset last night. She had watched The Oprah Winfrey Show today and wanted to talk with me about what she saw.

Normally, Oprah is not a show she follows. However, that morning she had seen a promo highlighting Montel Williams. P knew he had MS, so she taped the show.

She called to tell me that she thought I was tremendously brave for getting up in the mornings, knowing what I would face throughout the day. She called to tell me that she had not been a good friend to me.

Oprah is rebroadcast at 1:00 AM, so I taped the show and gathered up the nerve to watch it. I am not quite sure if that was a good decision.

He talked about pain quite a bit, far better than I have in any of my gazillion posts about it. For example, I've described the pain in my feet when I get up in the morning as if I am standing on knives. He described the pain as being skewered in his feet with hot metal rods that are twisted as they are being shoved higher and higher up his legs. Different imagery, eh?

I felt as if I were not alone, listening to him. I felt even more lonely listening to him. He has a staunch support in his wife. She watches him, intervenes when he needs it. She sees him even when he is pretending for others. When he cries, he is not alone. When he hurts, he is not alone. When he is angry, he is not alone. When he is tired, he is not alone.

I had fellowship in how he talked about his pain and the cruel idiosyncratic nature of this disease, of often knowing more than the doctors he visits, of having to fight through each and every day. Yet my longing to not have to battle each and every day by myself was all the more bitter after listening to him.

I could wish that my friends and family would sit down and watch the show captured on my DVR, but I wonder if they would see what I need them to see or if what he was transparent enough to share would just be passed over as just another celebrity "survivor" story.

Last night was late, tonight later. I did not arrive home from work until just after 10:00 PM. Many tasks were accomplished and perhaps I conveyed my commitment to the job deeply enough to my boss for However, I have 39 hours in already and need to submit an on-line grant this evening before chasing my dreams.

Someone was ill in the elevator and the lobby. Oh, my, does that make moving about the building so very difficult. Now, I am sorry that person was feeling poorly, but the sour smell will surely cling to those carpets for ages.

SIGH.

~~~~
I did break my first miracle nail today. Having a stubby one next to nine long, beautiful nails is altogether different from having a stubby one next to nine other stubby ones. I almost yanked out the the clippers and chopped the rest of them off. After all, putting in my contacts, typing, and dialing a phone have all brought a learning curve I never expected to have. However, contrary to when I was chopping my hair off every few days, I stayed the impulse and just filed the others down so that the difference was not quite so noticeable.

[I know...that was silly girly talk. Sorry.]

~~~~
Kashi has another acupuncture treatment tomorrow. A few weeks ago, the violent nerve response to being touched on his back has returned. The first treatments essentially lasted 3 months. While he is not so bad as he was, I thought I would try to be a bit more proactive about the matter. His quality of life has become so very much better now that he is on his new Chinese herb. From day three of adding that drug to his regimen, he has only fallen once, rather than the multiple-times-a-day rate he was at because of a growing hind quarter weakness.

I have gone from near despair over believing it was time to make that t00-painful-decision to say good-bye to daring to hope the surgery was the right decision to hold on to my beloved puppydog, my sweet Petunia, my beautiful Buttercup a while longer.

~~~~
Having my bible on the corner of my desk has already been a help because I do not even have to open it to gain that perspective I've been needing at work. One glance is enough. Such is the power of the Word of God!

My writing student is home on holiday from college, so we spent the afternoon and evening together. For a while now, I have been hankering for someone to watch both Elizabeth movies (the ones starring Cate Blanchett). I had not seen the second, but did not want to do so until I could watch/study the first. K happily obliged me, being as interested in English history as I.

For dinner, I introduced her to Panera Bread's Fuji Apple salad. Truly, it is the perfect salad. Tart. Sweet. And whole pile of chicken. [Just writing this I am already looking forward to having another as soon as i can manufactured something to celebrate by heading back there.] We also had muffin tops for dessert.

The movies were engaging, though sad. To be queen might have meant power and privilege, but it also meant a rather lonely life. Who loved her as a woman, a friend, not a queen? To be queen, for her, also meant being surrounded by intrigue, political minefields, and repeated attempts on her life. Yet she heralded such a profound and radical shift in society. To live as she did and accomplish that is remarkable.

K and I also wrote together, focusing on editing a particular piece.

Lately, in her work and mine, has come the intriguing challenge to fully answer a question with severe word or character limitations. I travel the path of getting the whole answer on paper (screen) and then reduce from there. Sometimes, the reduction comes in the form of a ruthless hack job, everything is fair game. Other times, it is a matter of finding words throughout the piece that you can essentially do without--articles are the best part of speech for this. You weed. You delete. You hack. Despite all that removing of text, you still must hold on to the heart of your piece and leave your reader satisfied. A daunting, yet exhilarating task.

'Tis such an unalloyed pleasure for me to write--even more so when in collaboration with a talented wordsmith.

Needless to say, I enjoyed the evening immensely.

What was the icing on the cake, you ask? A video call by Bettina! After enjoying her infectious, beautiful smile for a while, we squeezed in a Scrabble game. Despite the fact that I had mostly dismal letters and fell victim to Bettina's extraordinarily fine mind yet again, I still enjoyed the game. This evening could not have been more perfect...save for breaking down and having a second Dr. Pepper with lemon in it!

B wrote about her nickname and mine on her blog, so I thought I would do the same here.

A long while ago, I gave her the nickname of "Bettina." Then, I felt she needed a middle nickname and added "Matilda." Bettina Matilda. Doesn't that sound great?

For a while now, she has been casting about for one for me. We tried "George," but her husband did not care for the name for his wife's best friend. Then she struck upon the notion of using her nickname initials for mine. "Bernice Myrtle." A slight adjustment to "Myrtle Bernice" and a full nickname was assigned.

Myrtle Bernice. That me. Myrtle. Love it!

Another way B...no, Bettina, said, "I love you!"

Oh, how I am grieving the loss of that hour. My fingers were most reluctant to push the button to set my alarm clock forward...

~~~~
My accomplishment of the day was to set out crabgrass prevention. However, I now have an orange right hand. Do you think the chemical stain will fade before my grantmaker meeting on Tuesday? Remember...oaf!

Three loads of laundry and three books. Is that a good day?

Another week has finished. Two more days to sleep until the afternoon, catching up on the strain of working full time.

Truly, I have become a rather boring individual. Work. Go home and watch TV. Squeeze in a couple of book while sleeping away the weekend. Work.

However, no matter my feelings about what I am not allowed to do at work, I am most grateful for employment during these turbulent times. Especially since, no matter how hard I try, I keep ending up with out-of-network healthcare that is costing me far more money than is in my budget for medical expenses. I am appealing the decision since the physical therapy clinic I chose is on my provider's website, but I am not hopeful of the outcome. I do know I believe quite strongly that I will NOT pay those bills. ARGH.

And then there is the COLOSSAL mistake made by my accounting department. They increased what I claimed as my state withholding five-fold. When I did my taxes, I stared at the screen in utter disbelief when the program showed that I owe $1,875 for that mistake. I figured that something must have been wrong with my withholding and was not surprised when I confirmed that suspicion. Hopefully, what is taken out over the rest of the year will compensate for not having enough withheld the first two months.

Two huge bills in two days.

Yes, I am thankful for this job. I am thankful for the opportunity to pay my bills. I am thankful for a place to labor. For a place, yes, for a place to learn...even if those lessons are more about patience than professional development.

Nails! I have nails! I am not sure why since I have managed mere stubs for several years now. The only difference in my diet has been the addition of a B complex vitamin supplement.

Over the past year or so, I have several people mention that I ought to try taking vitamin B or have my doctor give me B12 shots because I am so tired. Their advice sounded good, but I just never followed up on it. That is, I never did so until last week.

Standing in Target waiting for a prescription, I found myself staring at a wall of vitamins and supplements. That oft repeated advice rose to the surface of my cheese-hole brain and I decided it could not hurt to try. Originally, I picked up a bottle of B12, but the pharmacist saw my selection and suggested I try the complex instead.

I could just kiss her! And, of course, all those who offered such sage advice. Forgive me for ignoring you for so long? I hope so.

My goodness! In just a few days, I noticed that I started waking up far more easily than I have in years. When Bettina was here and we stayed up all night and then slept some, I practically bounced down the stairs when I awoke that afternoon. Normally, I would have grunted at her for at least a half hour.

Not only do I wake up easier, I feel more alert, more present during the day. This little (okay, horse-sized) pill has most assuredly changed my life for the better.

Could it have also changed my nails?

I know it is silly, but having nails makes me feel girly. So often, I feel like an oaf. When I try to dress up and be gentile, I end up with ink on my fingers, food on my shirt, and a run in my hose. I trip in front of others, knock over a pile of books or papers, and generally look like a bumbling child. So, having stubby, broken nails all the time just reinforced my view.

It is with much delight, then, that I report that I have a full set of fingernails. The moment I realized I had not broken or ripped one for a couple of days, I slapped on some nail polish to try and save them. Normally, that would not change much, but another day went by, and then another. They were growing and not breaking.

I feel silly typing this, but I admit that having nails makes me feel more like a woman and less like an oaf. For whatever reason they are growing, I am thankful. Now, I just have to get used to putting in my contacts and dialing my cell phone with more than stubby fingers!

Wednesdays are tough days for they are the tipping point to the weekend, but not quite on the downhill toward days of sleeping late and reading books and NOT working. The days are long and usually consist of either wishing bible study lasted longer or being disappointed that I was not able to slip out to the study. That time away in the Word is an anchor that steadies me and helps me endure the turbulent waters at work.

During the Lenten season, the bible studies are on hiatus for special church activities, so today had no respite to bolster me. I believe I should just take one of my bibles to the office and leave it on my desk. Perhaps if I dip into the Word now and then, I would be better able to keep my eyes on that which truly matters rather than that which oft weighs my heart down.

I certainly have the opportunity to learn patience, to walk the path of being still before God. Now, to be honest, I must admit my walking is more like "stumbling" and "staggering" down that path. Yet, I do desire obedience to the life Christ has called us to, rather than the life I think would be best for me. How dare I find fault with the Creator!

I forget that all too often.

Just as I have put in place aids to help me deal with the cognitive dysfunction I battle, I believe I ought to put in place aids to help me walk in a manner pleasing to God. The bible should be a good start.

I would have welcomed another day of snow, another respite from work. But, alas, the warm weather has come rolling in and the road are quite clear.

There was plenty to do with the missed day of work. There was also news that makes me sigh rather deeply. For 60 days, I have to record what I am doing every ten minutes. Every 10 minutes. I suspect that is it going to be a rather long 60 days. I also wonder just how truthful some people will actually be about their 10 minute segments.

I did go ahead and ask off the last week of this month. For a very long while, I have been wanting to return to B's family's cabin. The time we spent there last year was so peaceful and restful. Watching Stargate SG1, playing games, tending to the children, and cooking tasty meals. And, of course, the glorious constant fires in the fireplace. Oh, and the moss...the quiet walks...watching J walk...coaxing Kashi up the open, outdoor staircase, sitting with E on the porch swing...

Not quite am I ready to actually believe the trip will take place, but at least I receive a nod from my boss as to the timing...

I slept until 2:00 this afternoon and took a nap a short while later. The snow really was not enough to bother the roads, but our office was closed anyway. Needless to say, I was not disappointed about having to remain home.

B got in a couple of video calls today. Unfortunately, there were also a couple of technical difficulties. SIGH. I did get to read part of a book to her children, but sitting in front of a computer staring at their goofy Aunt did not hold their attention for long. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to try video calls with my nephews!

Their camera arrives on Wednesday. I am not sure, however, how long it will be for their father to configure it. Hopefully, he will be as excited as I!

My what a wonderful visit I had with B!

We actually stayed up all last night, crawling into our respective beds some time after six o'clock this morning. Lots of games, lots of Farscape episodes, lots of talking. I won Triominos again. Shocking, I know. She won Rumikub. I won Phase Ten. She won Uno. She won Sorry. We both won Skipbo and a round of Gin Rummy.

We set up the web camera on my old laptop and tested it--she in my bedroom, I on the couch. I cannot wait to use it long distance! Our on-line Scrabble games will be that much more fun. When she starts trying to come up with a wickedly high-point word, I can distract her with visual antics. I am also sending one to my sister so that I can start making video calls to my nephews.

Kashi was beside himself when B arrived and has been moping in the basement. He finds her as wonderful as do I. When he is truly excited, he fluffs up his coat and gets all fuzzy. He also puts his ears back and wags his tail so hard that sometimes he loses his footing. 'Tis a bit wonderful to be greeted so enthusiastically.

Right now, I am crossing my fingers that the great southern blizzard coming our way will manage to lay down enough snow as to prevent the opening of my office tomorrow! If so, I shall be making up for the copious amounts of lost sleep I have been accumulating of late.

Two more nights of futzing with the computers has left me wishing I were an IT genius. I am not.

I have migrated all my data and installed all my software save the design programs to my new laptop. I have deleted all my data and uninstalled all my software on my old laptop. I have added the VPN connection to my new laptop so that I can access the server at work.

I have only slept 4 hours each of the last two nights and it is actually well into the morning on Friday.

I think, perhaps, I shall sleep just until the time B arrives on Saturday.

Hours and hours of installing programs and restarting and uninstalling and restarting and moving files and deleting files. While my software documentation system has greatly aided the process, I will be quite glad to have this transfer of data completed.

What am I doing, you ask? Putting my life on my new GREEN laptop. More retail therapy. Slightly ashamed, although I have 6 months to pay for it, so it will be paid out of cash. I am still debt free (save for the mortgage). I just haven't saved anything in the past two months. Instead, I have been working out my angst by upgrading a few things around the house...the television, the computer, the camera...

My dearest B will be the beneficiary of my current laptop. Perhaps after taking off all the design software I have on it, the sluggish processing will cease for her. Selfishly, the alacrity with which I decided to upgrade the laptop was rooted in the fact that now that B will have a laptop that actually works she will be able to play Scrabble with me from her couch and from the cabin! To be fair to me, I will say that I have been pricing them for the past year or so with an eye to upgrade and the President's Day sale at Dell brought the price down considerably from where I had previously been looking. The DVD burner could have been a faster model, but everything else is a giant leap forward. The 4 gigs of memory ought to make Adobe Creative Suite 3 happy!

Still, it is quite a bit of work to extract my life from one laptop and settle it within another.

A GREEN car. A GREEN front door. A GREEN phone. A GREEN laptop. All I need is a GREEN camera and I shall have color peace in all phases of my daily life!

Kashi is sulking just now. I hope he forgives me before it is time to go to bed.

Despite his vehement protest, I gave him a bath this evening. He has not had one since before his surgery in August. Seriously, it was quite past time for him to be cleaned.

He trembles. He whimpers. He hides in the smallest space he can find. All this just at hearing the word "bath." Once in the tub, he is the most pitiful dog I have ever seen. It takes a steely will go through applying soap and water, which is nothing less than torture to him. The upshot of the whole experience is that my bathroom floor gets a good cleaning as well from the copious amounts of water Kashi manages to drip all over it.

Given that it is only 27 degrees outside right now, I am not sure bathing him was the best idea, but once he is dry, he will be soft and fluffy and smelling oh, so sweet!

I was carrying the laundry down again and Kashi whined to come with me. Despite the disastrous results last time, I thought I would try again. This time, I put him inside the laundry basket so that I could carry them both with one hand and hold on to the banister.

Kashi did not like riding in the laundry basket.

We both ended up at the bottom of the stairs without using all of the steps.

Feeling rather stupid...

I have accomplished another organization task in my home.

In my minuscule kitchen, I have this drawer in which I keep utensils and gadgets. No matter how many times I tried to keep it organized, it would end up a jumbled mess that made opening and closing the drawer rather difficult. Not so anymore!

After purchasing a metal drawer organizer, I was able to find a place for everything and put everything in its place. Part of this effort means the potholders are now hanging on a hook on the side of the refrigerator. While I would prefer to have them put away, I am quite pleased with the overall results.

Silly me, I have have already opened and closed the drawer a dozen times today just so I could savor the fruits of my labor.

I had an abolutely victory today at work, finally getting our new Donate Now button up on our website. Since I had to do battle with Dreamweaver, I consider it a great accomplishment as I am NOT a webdesigner.

You see, Dreamweaver has this pesky little default with images that are linked. It puts a box around them. In this case, it was ruining the look of the button that I had had to cajole my boss a bit to let me to the website in the first place. There is much skepticism that we will garner online donations, even though a significant portion of our support comes from individuals.

Anyhow, even though the border box on the image properties window was empty, it was actually not empty. By putting in a 0, I eliminted those borders and was able to successfully add the button to all the major pages of our website!

Oh, my! Tiger Woods is returning to golf! You know where I will be next Saturday!

I am rather tired.

This evening, I fell several times because my left leg is not working very well. You have probably seen a sign somewhere that states the definition of insanity is repeating something over and over and expecting different results. Well, I suppose you could say I am insane.

I fell, because I kept rising from the couch thinking I could walk. I am now sporting several carpet burns and a short temper.

When this happens, I know it is because I am overly fatigued. I know this, but I have been unable to sleep much. I have had a lot of pain lately that makes falling asleep difficult and when I managed to do so, I have had terrible dreams.

I stopped the physical therapy, telling myself I would get a second opinion from another therapist since the one I was seeing transferred to another clinic. Yet, a week as has passed without making the call to gain another appointment.

I should get brownie points, however, for continuing the stretching and abdominal exercises that I learned from the therapy despite the fact that doing so is rather painful. I am trying. Having my pain increased tenfold from that blasted traction is just so discouraging. Then, too, my left thumb and right shoulder have never recovered from going without the pain medicine for a week. Between them and my back, everything I do causes pain. Everything.

B listened to me weep for a rather long time this evening, offering love and support that changes nothing and yet alters everything. I had been holding the pieces of my heart together, waiting for her to get home from choir. I knew she would not know what to say, but I also knew she would listen. God poured out a measure of grace to me this evening. In that, I am truly blessed.

May I remember that even if it seems as if I am being swallowed by darkness, a beacon of light has been given to me by the One who will never fail.

Needless to say, remaining positive has been as struggle as well.

As an educator, I witnessed something today that made my heart sick, especially knowing I truly am not free to step in and correct what I believe to be an egregious situation. Volunteers in an after school program were simply giving the students the answers to their homework; the computer instructor was merely holding typing lessons. While the latter was shameful, the former was absolutely and completely wrong.

I shared my observations as carefully as I could, but the truth is often not really welcome for the threat it holds to the Status Quot. As cynical as it sounds, I have found that most often those in leadership care more to keep things as they are than rock the boat by holding others to the standard of care, the caliber of work, that should exist. The specious excuse is that we cannot expect such high standards, blind to the fact that they are not high, that we are holding mediocrity as excellence. The specious excuse is that we cannot control employees or volunteers. No, you cannot control the actions of another, but you can hold them accountable for their actions. Especially those who works with the future of our race.

To give answers to a child should be akin to criminal. There is no excuse. You can lead a child to learning, you can teach her by giving her knowledge, but to tell her what to write so that her teacher believes she has grasped the lesson is reprehensible.

At least it is so to me. It saddens me that I fear I am rather alone in believing as I do.

I have been adding CFL bulbs to my household, targeting the ceiling lights. Because any light hurts my eyes, I tend to only have natural light in my home unless absolutely necessary. Whenever K comes over to write and cook, she flicks the kitchen light on and I turn it off. It is a lovely dance between us. At work, my boss comes into my office and protests that I am working in a cave. I shrug, thankful that the sharp pains I feel have been avoided.

So, I have not seen much need for switching out the bulbs. However, while I do not use them very much, making the change would save energy. The Home Depot had an impressive sale on CFL bulbs, so I decided to move forward with the great switch out.

I put the new bulbs over the dining table, at the top of my stairs, and in all of the ceiling lights in the basement. Also, I have now converted the utility closet and my own bedroom closet. Unfortunately, I did not purchase the right bulbs for the dining table, because that is a dimmer switch. I have to track down dimmable CFL bulbs.

I would also like to purchase candelabra ones for the four ceiling fans and the front porch light. However, all I could find was 15-watt ones that would not be enough light.

Still, another small step forward for the planet in my home. The bible teaches stewardship is important. I proffer that extends to the stewardship of His creation.

NASCAR is back! The race had a few rather satisfying crashes, although the rain ultimately made for a less-than-thrilling ending. However, the prayer beforehand was magnificent to hear, an unabashed proclaimation for Christ. Amen!

Whenever I try to articulate my thoughts on the matter, I usually bungle it, but what I want to say is that I feel as if it is acceptable to be any religion save for Christianity these days. It is acceptable to have absolute beliefs in any religion save for Christianity. It is as if inclusivity is to be the new religion save for Christianity.

I believe in absolutes. I believe that Jesus Christ is God's Son and offers the only way to salvation. I believe that the bible is God's Truth and is not a message that you can pick and choose what you care to follow or not. I believe God is sovereign. I believe He is Creator. I believe Christ is Savior. I believe.

You do not have to believe as I do. That is between you and God. However, it is my opinion that I should be equally free to believe as I do without being labeled intolerant or a biggot or a an ignorant fool.

So, it was with great fellowship that I listened to the prayer to start the Daytona. I, too, believe. Thank you, Shephard of Christ's Flock, to give praise and honor and glory to the One who give grace and mercy in such great measure.

Remember that arduous project that kept me writing all hours of the night last fall on a rather impossible deadline? Well, the website was finally made live! Should you wish to learn about sustainable travel, mosey on over to www.travelgreen.org.

I must admit that I did not write two of the sections and some of what I did write was edited, but it is a fair representation of my craftsmanship.

B played Scrabble with me today. We each won a game. I suppose that should be just perfect for me, but really I do like to win!

A long while ago, I gave B a nickname: Bettina. Sometime after that, I felt compelled to give her a middle nickname: Matilda. So, many times I call her Bettina Matilda.

When she and her family were here over New Year's Eve, B announced that I needed a first nickname in response to my own announcement that I felt she needed a third one. After some futile casting about, I suggested: George. However, G felt very strongly that his wife's best friend should not be named "George." B then tried out Georgette, but it frankly was not quite the same.

Well, ever the brilliant one, Bettina Matilda arrived at not one but two nicknames for me and announced them by way of a lovely card that arrived as a beautiful surprise in the mail today. We did mutually decide to alter the order, but that one concession does not diminish her outstanding acumen. What is my new name? Myrtle Bernice!

Such a pair we are!

Trying to navigate a stairway while holding both a puppydog and a basket of laundry that has three loads in it is probably not the best course of action. Doing so on a stairway that has far too many piles of things on the bottom steps that need to be put away on the upper floor is probably an even worse decision. It is a good thing that Kashi and I had so many clothes to land on when we fell!

Despite the fall, my puppydog is doing much, much better. While his leg is still not very useful, his pain appears to be better and his hindquarter weakness has greatly diminished. Two weeks ago, he was done on the floor more than on his feet. I cried the whole day and felt it was time to put him down. But the next day he was better and the one after that still more so. The vet thought the cold (we had had snow earlier in the week) was too much for him. We started a new Chinese herb, and he turned this wonderful corner. I am trying to curb my hope, but I do feel better just looking at him.

Part of turning the tide, I believe, is the fact that he is getting both doses of all three of his medications. It was very difficult for me to remember his medicine, and most days he only had one dose between morning and night. After feeling like a very poor puppydog momma, I had the brilliant revelation that I should purchase a seven day pill container like the one I use, but get one for two slots for each day. However, I kept forgetting to get one when I was at the store. After growing more frustrated with myself, I finally remembered that I got one like that for when B and I were in Italy because I needed two weeks of my own medicine. A bit of searching later, I found it, filled it, and began an uninterrupted streak of properly dosing my dog!

Small victories, eh?

I have had several people over the past week ask me if something was wrong. It hit me today that what they were seeing is how much pain I am in because of this physical therapy. I believe quite strongly that there is something fundamentally wrong with that.

But rather than expound upon my discomfort or worry further about my now sixth asthma attack since the car fire, I shall dwell upon J.

I arrived home to discover a vintage Campbell's soup barrel tin on my porch. Tucked inside were several "I'm-thinking-of-you-and-want-you-to-know-it" gifts. The best of these is a small replica of a vintage Dr. Pepper serving tin. I promptly put it on the counter of my kitchen in a spot that had clearly been waiting for it.

A short while ago, J sent an email telling me that she figured I had been writing off-line. So well does she know me even though we are miles and months apart. Each time I have become absent, muting my own voice, it is because I fear that all my words are seen merely as massive amounts of wallowing instead of musing on my day. Who would want to read this stuff?

I can just hear J: "It's your life. You should write whatever you wish."

Well, today, I am writing about the impeccible timing of J. I am writing about how she always manages to sense when a tea bag or letter or Dr. Pepper patch will brighting an otherwise trying time. I am writing about how small things can reap great rewards in the life of a friend.

I had another asthma attack at the office. It was awkward and burdensome since I felt as if I were a distraction, even as I hid in my office with the door closed as I nebulized.

Why should asthma bring shame?

When I decided to leave, I was still trembling so much that I tried to reach B to "ride" home with me via Sprint. I couldn't reach her and turned to D. I shouldn't have called him, yet he is always willing to be a knight in shining armor. The most lop-sided relationship in history is most disconcerting. Yet. Well, driving home alone would not have been the wisest decision.

I am convinced that the smoke from that fire is still swirling about the furthest recesses of my lungs. I wonder how many more attacks it will take before I can banish this foe...

~~~~
NOTE: The verdict is in: I do not want another moment of traction. The pain in my back exploded anew with each cough during the attack. I am most certain it would not have been so bad had I not spent another 10 minutes strapped into that torture device. Tell me again the benefits of physical therapy?

Do you believe it is possible to learn to embrace pain enough to revel in a life filled with the challenge?

I would rather write of great musings rather than coughing and pain and fatigue. I would. However, those things do not seem to be leaving any time soon. Nay, I fear they are here to stay.

Could I do such a thing?

This day began with the worst asthma attack I have had outside the ER. It began about twelve hours ago, its violence startling me awake. Smothering in your sleep is frankly a horrible experience. Then breathing in drugs that leave you trembling from your innermost being outward just makes the whole experience worse.

I wanted desperately to go to the hospital, but I was foolishly ashamed that I had not showered when I should have the night before.

I risked my health because of shame, because I wanted to avoid being judged and found wanting in any way. That sounds silly. I get that. Still, I suffered at home.

Two doses of both inhalers. Two epipens. Three rounds of the nublizer with both medicines. Two cough pills (I am not supposed to take more than one at a time). I am still feeling shaky. I suspect that fire was more dangerous than I first thought.

But, wait, what have I to look forward to after such a dismal start to my day? NASCAR. A few spectacular crashes will surely put me to rights, eh?

On the way home this evening, a pick-up truck caught on fire. The less-than-brilliant response team ended up blocking the street and trapping a half dozen cars right in the path of the growing smoke. One of those cars was mine.

Before long, smoke was surrounding my car, blocking my view of all but my panicked reflection in my windshield. While it was not that long before the smoke began to dissipate, I fear the damage was done.

Even with the windows tight, I began coughing rather violently. I reached in the back seat and snagged my nebulizer, but I am not sure that will be enough because I am still coughing and my throat is still scratchy.

Sitting there, I kept thinking about the California wildfires. This was one small engine fire. Can you imagine the impact of thousands of acres burning to a crisp? I cannot. Even for folks with a pair of fresh, pink lungs, I would thing inhaling the fetid air was disconcerting, if not downright frightening.

For the life of me, I still cannot figure out why the emergency vehicles blocked us in that way, nor why not one of the personnel came to check on me when it was clear my vehicle was blocking the traffic that had finally began to move once more.

I probably should have headed over to the hospital. I just wanted to come home and curl up in the green chair with my puppydog. I just nebulized again and hope that will be enough.

At least this day is over...

A while ago, B told me that she understood that I needed her to listen more than she needed to be the one to talk. Her words brought tears to my eyes at the blessings God showers down upon me and yet have prickled my heart ever since.

She needs me to listen. She has fears and frustrations with her children. She has doubts as a mother and a wife. She has all her hopes of having another child wrapped up in just one fragile embryo that is left from more than a dozen who have lost their viability over the past year. A third attempt and most likely last. She needs me, and yet she gives so freely of herself in our phone calls and Scrabble games (even though she has been squashing me on a regular basis of late).

I wish that I were a better friend to her. I wish I had more to offer than pain and coughing and failure and frustration and puppydog worries. I wish I could uplift her the way she does me. I wish my witness would be the balm and chastisement as hers has been to me, encouraging me to never stop striving to be obedient to Christ, to trust, to surrender. I wish I taught her to be loving and to love as she has taught me. I wish her to know the blessings as have I. I wish she could have B in her life instead of a P.

I pray that I can learn to shed more of my self, avert my eyes from my circumstances, and be who she needs me to be.

I love her because she has taught me to love and to trust that I can be me without sending the whole world fleeing...someone will stay...

In reflecting greatly upon the absense of my abdominal muscles, I postualted that perhaps they were also a factor in the rapid weakness in my legs since they should be helping my quadracepts when lifting my legs, such as on stairs. When I proffered my theory, the PT thumped herself on her head and exclaimed rather loudly that she should have made that connection.

That epiphany did little to mitigate the fact that I am leaving my physical therapy appointments in greater pain that when I arrive.

SIGH

~~~~
Happy Birthday, K! Take a break from your studies to celebrate the gift of your life! I certainly praise God for you!